In The Spotlight

Leafy- Hallmark Movie Christmas

A long time ago, my mom would watch cheesy Christmas movies during the holidays. The original bad plotlines, back before 'Countdown to Christmas' began. The Hallmark predecessors, if you will. I would sit on the couch and half-watch them with her. They intertwined with my early Christmas memories. So every year, I longed for a past winter that never existed.

I traded family ties for family lies. Gingerbread and white snow became cigarettes and white supremacy. My mom and dad and their families fought like Big City Girl and Businessman Boyfriend.

Our parents got divorced right after my baby brother Grassy was born. I was 14, Tree was 16, and Eve was 12. It was a last-ditch attempt to save their marriage. It failed miserably. We all disagree on whether it made the Holiday Season easier or harder. I say it was easier mentally, but all the going to different places was physically exhausting.

Our family labeled us, and we were to stay in our boxes. Grassy is an innocent baby. Eve is an angsty athlete. Tree is a sensitive artist. I'm a hard-working academic.

All this to say that I'm no stranger to things, including myself, not living up to expectations.

The questions they were asking us were pretty basic, to be honest. I figured mine would be about being Asian-American. People only focus on race when it isn't important, after all. That or that I'm one of the oldest, if not the oldest of the people in the room. 'Yes! I am over the hill. So glad you mentioned it!' The mocking voice in my mind got me dangerously close to audibly scoffing.

Puffball, who apparently was so uninteresting to fans that the only thing anyone had to say about her was 'she has fun hair,' mentioned my name, and I began listening to the interview again. I had been tuned out for a hot minute. "Her hair is dyed, so I'm not alone," I heard her say.

Ah, yay, being lumped in a group with the girl who wore legwarmers on live television. Just what I wanted on a program that greatly impacts my public appearance.

In all honesty, if something were going to impact my image, it would be me. I was feeling snarky. If I wasn't careful, it was about to turn into acting snarky. So I smiled and forced a laugh.

"That's great. You know what? Let's talk to Leafy next." Blocky had a quality when he spoke that made him sound slightly vicious all the time. "How do you feel about being the most popular on the show?"

Terrified. Pressured. Nervous. Lonely. "Flattered!" Grin and bear it, Leafy, you got this. "It's really sweet to know that so many people care about my success."

"I guessed you'd say something like that. Hey, uh we got any Leafy fans in the audience?" He smiled as a number of people in the crowd clapped and cheered. "Nice to hear that."

But it wasn't nice to hear that. These were the people who made me shake and sob just days ago. They were the creeps who analyzed every single detail of me. The same group who made me feel like I needed to hide.

They were in the same room as me, cheering for my success.

I put on a winning smile and nodded. I couldn't look into the crowd though. I faced them and let my eyes go blurry. That should do it. I knew what they could do if I failed them. When someone expects a god and it turns out you're just a person, they forget that they are too.

A song that I heard on the way here blares in my head, in a desperate attempt to drown out their whoops and screams. Stop cheering. Stop cheering. Stop cheering.

Stop!

It does, which is good. I guess as they moved onto the next person it wouldn't be fair for them to keep raving about me. I probably would've screamed at them out loud if they had gone on any longer. I find myself wanting to go back to San Diego.