In The Spotlight

Bubble- Chapter Twenty-One and Done

After I left the meeting, I didn't think. I just ran.

Ran to the lobby, ran to the bathroom, ran to the sink. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out. I'm not a bad person, I'm a good person, everyone makes mistakes. Any mantra that would calm me down.

That was when the screaming started.

Well, it was more buzzing in the beginning. A loud buzz, drowning out my internal monologue. Not quite the normal background sounds of A/C or fluorescent lighting. It was coming from within.

So I left the bathroom.

I stood outside of the room where those scary people would be discussing me. Me.

I don't know how long I stood there, but I do know it was getting louder.

This hallway is wordless. The only sound is of shoes tapping against the floor. But my head hurts from all the noise. It's screaming now. Tortured screams. I can't place what it is, though. And then it hits me.

It's me.

My 16 year old self is screaming and crying and tearing at my brain. She's desperately trying to get hold of me. Revert me to how I was in those days.

So I ignore her. She was never really good under pressure.

Instead, I walk right back into the scene of the crime, to find about forty eyes fixed on mine.

Breathe in, breathe out.

"Well? What do you have to say for yourself?" I don't remember who said it exactly, but I'm so grateful to them. It was like someone hit the mute button.

Younger me got what she wanted. A chance to actually advocate for herself.

No more screaming. No more lying. No more secrets.

"I made a mistake." I said, after what must have been seconds, but what felt like days.

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. If anyone can forgive me, or give me another chance, thank you." I saw Leafy smile sweetly.

"But if you can't, I understand. You can report me to Four or X or whoever you want. Just know that I never meant to hurt anybody. I like this life, with online classes, and game shows. But I'm perfectly content to go back home. It was cool to meet you guys."

And then, a miraculous thing happened.

I left.

I really didn't care.

Report me, don't. It didn't matter.

I went back to the room, finished up editing a paper, and I still didn't care. I waited and waited for the nail-biting anxiety to kick in, but it never did.

I got a call from Leafy, and when I picked up, she sighed.

"What's up? Have I been ousted?"

"We voted."

"And?" I knew the answer before she spoke.

"You have a meeting with X early tomorrow morning."

"Well, it's okay." And it was.

As it turned out, the next morning we all were to come in early for a 'staff meeting.' Leafy consoled me so intensely on the walk there you'd think my mother died.

I wouldn't ever get to know what the meeting was about, because just as Four rallied everyone around. X directed me to their office.

The room was small, but decorated so it still felt homey. It reminded me of the guidance counselor's office from my elementary school. I'd only been in there once, for shoving some stupid boy, but man had it freaked me out.

The chair was cushy, and I wondered if I could sink far enough into it that my body was completely hidden by the pillows.

"Hey."

The person looked much more intimidating than usual, despite their informal greeting. "Hello, X."

Their swivel chair screeched as they plunged into it. "I'll cut to the chase. I'm disappointed."

"I understand."

"You understand, then, that we can't allow this behavior on our show."

"Yes, I do."

They nodded, and something inside me released. Like a breath of fresh air reached me through from outside this stuffy room. "I'm glad."

"So, am I off the show."

X rubbed at their temples, and looked at the sheet of paper in front of them. I braced for the news.

"You're done. I'm sorry." Why should X be sorry? It's my fault. And I'm okay with that. Actions have consequences, and I had to face mine. Life goes on.

"Don't be. Is there something I have to sign or whatever?"

"We'll worry about that later. I'll tell you now, we'll be covering your travel costs, we aren't monsters. And you may watch today's episode being filmed, but you won't be participating."

"Of course." I smile weakly.

"Thank you."

"No, thank you."

He gestured for me to leave, and right before I would've found a place to watch, I decided to do something different.

I turned around and left. This chapter of my life was over, why prolong the agony?

Instead, I bought some stationary, and went to a cafe. The smell of the coffee was strong, and was giving my eyes extra incentives to start tearing up. I sat down at a small table, and began writing.

Dear Leafy,

Your kindness astounds me. I aspire to one day be as gentle and good natured as you are. If I had met me, I never would've been half as nice as you were. Never change.

If I could tell you one thing, it'd be that I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to worry about me in addition to your own problems. You covered for me and were a true friend. I am eternally appreciative, especially in a time like this when I didn't really deserve someone like you.

Thank you. You wonderful, strong, caring woman, thank you. I hope that one of these days, you can find someone who will show you the same level of love that you showed me. I'd like to say I did, but I'm sick of lying to people. My one wish for us is that you don't get so rich from law and famous from the show that you don't write back. I always did want a pen pal.

For now, though, I'll just root for you. I'm president of the Leafy fan club! Well, if there is one. If not, I'm starting it. You better win this dumb competition. Scratch that, I know you will.

With love,
Bubble, your Number 1 fan.

I could only hope she'd stay in long enough for the letter to get to her. I set down my pen, and it rolled off the table. I never bothered to pick it up. Maybe someone would walk in this cafe and really need a pen. I hope they would be happy to find it.

(Yes, I'm aware of how short this one is. I just don't feel like it needed all that padding. Bubble is first to go. 1110 words. Song for the day: Free Fallin'- Tom Petty)