In Those Deep, Starry Eyes, I See Cherry Petals Depressed but breathing

Chapter 13: In Those Three Days

Miko couldn’t shake the sense of the icy vines wrapping around her lungs. It didn’t help that fall was on its way and the days were growing less warm. She’d have to switch to a heavier miko outfit shortly.

Her day went by fine, at least for the first few hours. Around noon, maybe a little past, she felt her phone buzz. She was with a client, so she decided to get it after she was finished.

When she opened her phone to see "Sui-chan" as the notification, she didn't know how to feel. Elated, yes. Finally someone was reaching out to her on their own time again. Concern, also yes. Why was it that Suisei was texting her? Why now? Fear… yes. What if it was Suisei saying it would be better to stay away from each other… to delete her contact… to…?

12:19 Sui-chan: Hey Mikochi. I think I'll really need a session in three days. Don't think I'm doing so well right now.

That was… mildly concerning. In more ways than one, really. She quickly shot a text back.

12:20 Mikochi: If you need anything in the meantime, just let me know!

The next day, Suisei awoke with her head swirling. She couldn't tell where this nauseating feeling was coming from. Her phone read half past 6. Three more hours before work began. Deciding to at least attempt to be productive, she slid into the seat at the desk. The computer whirred to life and the monitor glared brightly. She turned the brightness down quickly, lest she wake up her sister and get a talking to this early.

One new email. She rapidly clicked on it.

"We regret to inform you that due to the large number of fantastic applicants, you were not selected for the interview portion of the application. For some resources to strengthen your portfolio, please visit the attached website.

Best,"

She clicked delete before she could even read the sender. She knew who it was from. It was from the idol agency she'd applied to three days prior. She didn't even bother checking the resources link they'd sent because she'd tried dozens of times already. It was the same link from every company. All of the options were gatekept by talented professional teachers who wouldn't take her in because she was "a waste of their time."

Anger flooded through her, an angry torrent of muddy water swamping her insides. Her teeth grit down, her jaws aching from the pressure. Just as quickly as the anger flared up, it died off. Only the byproduct of the flaming anger, suffocating sadness, was left. She felt her shoulders sag, an added weight pressing down on her back. It was getting harder to breathe. All she was doing was sitting upright. Would it be easier to breathe if she stopped breathing? She shook her head, desperate to get those thoughts out of her head. A distraction, that's it.

She grabbed her phone and shot off a quick text to Miko. She knew the shrine maiden wouldn't be starting the stand for another hour or so. That meant there was no time to visit today before her shift. Still two more days until she'd be able to visit...

6:33 Sui-chan: I wanna try to get better at singing. Any ideas?

A few seconds passed before a white bubble appeared.

6:33 Mikochi: Vocal coaches? Oh, maybe we can go to karaoke sometime!

Suisei smiled at Miko's childlike innocence. She could really use Miko's happy-go-lucky nature right about now.

6:34 Sui-chan: That'd be nice.

It had been a horrible work shift. She'd almost gotten fired today because of a huge accident she'd caused for the accountants. Something like a couple hundred thousand yen. Not much for the company, but a lot if they found out she was stealing.

She wasn't, of course. She'd simply forgotten to pull the previous shift's stub out for the recordkeepers. One small mistake...

One small mistake was all it took to spend the rest of the day getting chewed out by the boss and then carrying the guilt of messing up. When she got home, she clung to her sister desperately and simply broke down in her the older comet's arms. She woke up that night around three in the morning. She looked out the window before looking down from their three-story apartment.

'Would that fall be enough to kill me?' She shook her head, grimacing. 'No, it might not be high enough… besides, I wouldn't want Anemachi to wake up and find me dead. I'd have to do it somewhere a good ways away.'

She fell back to sleep with new thoughts in her mind. Dark, terrifying, yet eerily peaceful thoughts.

Miko woke up, checking her phone as she'd done the past two days.

3:07 Sui-chan: Mikochi, have you ever felt like there was just no purpose?

Her heart started slamming against her chest with adrenaline. That's not a good sign.

3:13 Sui-chan: Sorry, I just had a weird dream is all. Nothing to worry about. I guess I'm just a bit shaken up.

3:35 Sui-chan: You're probably sleeping like a log, haha. Sorry to text you so much. I just wanted to let you know that you've been a huge help to me these past few weeks. That's all.

Her heart calmed slightly. Slightly.

'Okay… she's not in a great headspace. That's been apparent. I still don't like how she's acting.'

6:32 Mikochi: Let me know if you want to call. I'm here for you.

Her face lit on fire as she sent the message through. She hoped that Suisei wouldn't be too hard-headed like she had shown already.

The day was arduous for Suisei. Constant thoughts plagued her head. Rejections replayed over and over, taunting her, each one spoken to her in a taunting tone by her own voice. The scolding she'd gotten yesterday echoed in her ears. She hated this. She loathed this feeling. Her skin crawled with disgust. She was a tightly-wound rubber band, just waiting for one more twist to snap apart.

Finally, quitting time rolled around. She knew Miko wouldn't be done for another hour, but she wasn't feeling fair today. Perhaps it was the fact that she was at the end of her rope. She shrugged as she shot off a text before walking home.

Miko walked to the torii gate and flipped the sign to closed. There was a dark feeling plaguing her mind, and she knew its cause.

She was afraid to move forward with Suisei despite wanting to so badly. Her mind cringed back, a shaking child, in the face of change. She couldn't deal with another situation like her father… like her mother…

Her phone had one notification from Suisei when she picked it up from the stand.

5:01 Sui-chan: Thank you for everything until now. I don't think I'll be able to see you tomorrow after all. Sorry about that.

The panic was back. Lose another loved one, or never experience the love she craved. Those were her options. She gulped a thick pool of saliva down before running into the main temple. She grabbed her purse, slung it around her shoulder, and changed out of her traditional miko slips for a regular pair of sneakers.

'Sui-chan, please hold on! I'm coming for you! I'm begging you, please!'