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2022-2023 Winter Break

Charles Leclerc

I'm at home in Monaco. It's the beginning of February, meaning the Formula 1 season begins in a month. Part of me can't wait, but part of me is dreading it.

I should be happy, really. I finished P2 in the drivers standings last year. I won 3 races and was on the podium 11 times. The only person to do better was Max Verstappen, my longtime rival. But honestly, he was in a Red Bull, and that car was so fast last year. And despite all these facts, I still feel empty. 

I know Ferrari could have done better last year. We started the season so well. I won 2 of the first 3 races, but after that it was all downhill. The car felt worse, and some of the strategy calls were total bullshit. Most of my problems, though, came off the track.

I was outed as gay by none other than my toxic and egocentric boyfriend. I let him abuse me for months with his words and actions. Eliot manipulated me into making him THE priority in the relationship and through focusing on him in any time I had, I lost myself. In the last weeks of our relationship, we argued nonstop and leaving him scared me shitless because I knew he was powerful. Even though he had never abused me physically, that didn't mean he wouldn't.

Eventually, I found the courage to leave. My friends on the grid were there to support me through it, which meant the world. I blocked that fucker and made sure he couldn't contact me. While I'm free from Eliot's control, I'm still trapped in the downward spiral of trauma that he left me in.

Success on track this year won't magically fix my problems, I know that. But, hopefully it can numb the pain at the bare minimum. What I truly need most, though, is to feel loved. My family is so supportive, but I don't see them often as I am always on the road. Through no fault of their own, they're not there when my anxiety is so crippling that I can barely breathe. They don't know what it's like to struggle for hours to sleep, only to wake up shaking from yet another nightmare. It's all becoming too much for me. I feel broken and genuinely am at a loss for how I'm supposed to drive an F1 car and finish safely when I don't even feel safe with my own thoughts.

Max Verstappen

I can't do this anymore.

Every year, I dread the Abu Dhabi race, because it's the last race of the season. For 3 whole months, I have to find excuse after excuse for why I can't go home to the Netherlands. During the season, it's too easy to just say that I am going to the location of the next race. But over the winter, it's tough to justify myself for almost 100 days.

I feel like I'm constantly on the run from my own father. I've managed to escape for 2 months, but now I'm at his residence for the next 5 days. Even though I've won the world championship 2 years in a row now, it's not enough for him. He expects me to be a machine, to get up and perform perfectly every day. P2 is a failure. He has no value for me as a person and simply wants to live through me. I simply cannot do it anymore, but there's no other choice for me but to keep pushing until I physically and mentally collapse.

The bruises on my arms have fully faded but I fear that it's for nothing, since it would be a miracle for me to leave this wretched place without new marks. I don't even know what I could have done to spark his anger, but Jos Verstappen is unpredictable.

I also haven't caused any of the marks on my skin in a while. Having untouched skin is truly a miracle for me at this point.

Even though I'm fully aware that my father is abusive and that it would be best for me to cut him off from my life, he's my dad and he's the reason I've gotten to where I am in my racing career. He's also a former F1 driver and I don't know how well the paddock would take it if I shut him out. They don't know what goes on behind closed doors, how he will scream at me, hit me, and abandon me, the same way he always has.