our time - lestappen

doubt

Saudi Arabian GP

Max Verstappen (TW: self-harm)

It's been a week since *that* moment at the party. We had the weekend off, but now we're in Saudi Arabia.

Charles is already here, I only know because he posted to his social media. I'm trying so hard to not think about him but there's a little voice in the back of my mind that's telling me not to forget him. I mean, he's hard to forget, but he's consuming a lot more of my mind than he should be.

He's my rival. He's on a different team, and he's my direct competition. I definitely shouldn't have an image of him laughing locked into my memory. And yet, I can't get him out of my mind.

I think about what my dad would say if he knew about this. There's no doubt I would leave that conversation with new marks on my skin. I feel myself spiraling into that place of hopelessness, that I'm useless. Due to my past, I have a tendency to revert back to that way of thinking when I'm unsure of how to feel.

I let the blade slide across my skin and watch the redness start to form. 

Worthless.

Never enough.

Failure.

Disappointment.

I think of more words to describe myself and how I feel in this moment. One cut for every word.

I'm not proud of the fact that this is how I cope, but I just can't bring myself to do anything better at this point.

Charles probably doesn't cut himself whenever he is down. He probably doesn't suffer from panic attacks, and he probably sleeps soundly every night in the knowledge that he has a circle of people who have his back. 

It also doesn't help that I feel like the entire grid hates me right now. I know that winning means people are jealous and it's easy for them to hate on you, and I know how to put a brave face on. But deep down, it hurts. Daniel is the only one who has been by my side throughout all of it. I could tell him anything and he wouldn't bat an eye. It sucks that i can't trust any of the drivers that are actually on the grid right now. Don't get me wrong, I love Daniel, but it would be nice to have someone else too.

When Charles was outed, he received some hate like any gay celebrity unfortunately does, but he was met with full support from the grid and most people in F1. Hypothetically, if something similar was to happen to me, I would be met with hatred rather than love. 

I would take not winning but having stability in my life like he does over what I have any day.

Charles Leclerc

I need a better race than what happened in Bahrain.

I wake up covered in sweat. I check the time... 04:00. Shit. Too early to get up, but it'll take me so long to get back to sleep that it's not worth it. These fucking nightmares are going to be the death of me. I dreamt that my car failure in Bahrain had resulted in a fatal crash, and that out of anyone I could have crashed into, it was Pierre. Needless to say, it was fatal. I have dreams like this quite frequently, it's killing me now because whenever I get into the car it feels like deja vu.

There is, however, one thing that's been on my mind lately. Namely, one person.

Max Verstappen.

After that very weird interaction at the party, I don't know what to think. I mean, it's not normal to stare at your rival and then act like you've been caught looking at your crush. I would use that as an explanation if I didn't know that Max is straight.

He's been acting super weird this season so far. He's amazing on track, but off the track he's been cold and distant. I don't know what's up with him, he's always gotten to the point quickly but he's usually nicer than he has been this year. He's a world champion, if someone should be nice it's him since he has nothing left to prove.