our time - lestappen

chasm

United States GP

Charles Leclerc

I turn to Max, who's frozen still beside me. I can't help the tear that slips from my eye and I hope that no one saw it.

Max and I had gotten called into the paddock for a meeting with Christian, Fred, and the director of the FIA whose name I won't even try to pronounce. We had been told it was regarding when we could return to driving so we had entered the room with high hopes.

We hadn't anticipated being given an ultimatum, that we would be allowed to race but have to break all contact from each other until it was proven that we were innocent, which at this rate who knows if or when that will happen. Or we could stay status quo, together but no racing.

And it's sent both of us into a state of shock.

I would have never thought that I'd have to pick between my passion, the sport that's been such a massive part of my life, and the man that I love with all my heart.

It's devastating. Absolutely devastating. And I know that at least for now, there is no way we can get out of this.

Max is the reason the frequency of my nightmares has gone so far down, and he's the person who's there to comfort me and hold me and tell me everything is okay. He's the reason I haven't had an anxiety attack in months. He's the reason I feel grounded, after losing my dad, then Jules, then Anthoine, he's the reason that I'm happy.

And I'm faced with the reality that one of the two most important things to me is about to be taken away. Temporarily, yes, but it could be for a day or forever and the unknown of how long it would last is what scares me the most. If we were guaranteed a short time frame, we would choose F1 and deal with the distance until it all got sorted. If we knew it would be a while, we would choose each other and walk away from F1 hand in hand. But we don't know, and making the wrong decision here could be, and likely will be monumental in the future.

I look over to Fred, but he's stoic. I really don't know what to say about him. On one hand he says he supports me and my relationship with Max but on the other he is just going along with the team's homophobia. So it's weird, I can't tell if he really wants to help me in this situation. At some level, he probably wants me back in the car for the sake of the team as well.

I make eye contact with Christian, and he seems much more sympathetic to the situation. But I don't think there's anything he can do, he would have spoken up had he thought it would amount to anything. But he's silent, this wasn't his decision to make and it's not a battle that is worth getting into trouble for. As much as I wish he could help us, I don't blame him for wanting to protect his team, and within that protecting Max.

After what feels like an interminable silence, I realize we do have to say something but I'm not going to make a decision like this on my own.

"Can we-" I say, everyone turning to look at me. "Can we have a moment in private to discuss this please? This is a decision Max and I need to make together."

The other three men seem to understand, and they leave the room without saying a word. There are no windows and no cameras, so I know that we have complete privacy. The second they leave, Max gets out of his seat as do I and he walks straight into my open arms, the dam breaking and his tears soaking the sleeve of my shirt.

"Hey, Max, mon amour, it's going to be okay, we'll get though this I promise," I whisper into his ear. It's not like I feel any better about the situation than him, but anything to soothe him because when he cries, it breaks my heart.

"I just can't believe this is what it's coming to," he chokes out. "It's not fair. I can't lose you, Charlie."

"I know. It's not fair, it's not right but we have to work with what we're given and in the mean time we will fight to prove our innocence even if it's not hand in hand."