RIVER (An Eminem FanFiction)

Chapter 7

*Warning, this chapter touches lightly on suicide and self-hatred. If you want to skip it shouldn't spoil the story too much.*

October 14th 2023
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Marshall's POV

I've been at the studio for a few hours now and I just can't concerntrate.

The guys are all laughing and joking but I just can't think straight.

She's five today. I've never met her and she's five. It's never bothered me up until today but from the minute I've woken up Soph and the baby are all I've thought about.

I can't help but think that maybe Paul's been right all these years, maybe I am at fault. I've never met my daughter because I let my fucking temper take over again.

I became my dad, the one person I hate most in this world. The one person who I made promises to myself and those around me to never become. I am just like my dad.

I spent my whole life fighting to not become him, to be there for Hai, Stevie and Lainie and then I left Ava.

I let my anger towards Soph tear me away from my baby. I'm a monster, I am just like my father.

How must Ava feel? I know she's still little but surely she still feels that rejection, I know I did.

Man I'm a fucking piece of shit, I threw away the best woman I ever had and couldn't have cared less about where she ended up.

I wonder if Soph was alright? I mean she was working as a waitress when I kicked her out so she will have been able to get an apartment at least.

Has she found someone else? It's been five years now, what if she's moved on? What if Ava calls another man her dad?

Does Soph still love me? I know I'm starting to bury the hatred I have towards her and all I'm realising from that is that I'm still crazy in love with her. I think she probably hates me, I hope not but I wouldn' tblame her if she did.

Does Ava hate me? I know Soph said she'd raise Ava to think I was a good person but I know for a fact nothing my mom ever told me made me think of my dad as a good person.

I am my dad. A cold-hearted, selfish monster. I tore my family apart before it even had the chance to start.

I rise from my seat and begin to head for the doors.

"Yo, Em. Where you going man?" Denaun asks me and I turn to see everyone's eyes on me.

"Home."

"It's a little early for that, don't you think?"

"So what? I'm done, I can't concerntrate, I need a break for today." I say as I open the door and leave.

As I get to the main entryway I feel someone grab my arm and turn around to see Paul.

"You ok? You seem, I don't know, aggitated?"

"I'm a fucking monster Paul." I say as I yank my arm out of his grasp.

"What? Marsh you're starting to worry me here."

"She's five Paul. FUCKING FIVE." I yell.

"Ava? Today?"

"Yeah. You were right the other year, I became my dad."

"You know I didn't mean it like that."

"But that's what I am. Look, I appreciate the concern and all but I really just need to get home."

"Call me, you need anything, then you call me."

___________________________________ 

I've been home for an hour and to say I've trashed the place would be an understatement.

My knuckles burn under my bandage because I've put my fist through the walls and mirrors that many times. My eyes sting from the amount of breakdowns I've had in such as small space of time.

I hate myself. I hate myself so fucking much. Maybe Soph and Ava were better off without me? Maybe everyone would be better off without me?

I've ruined everything I've ever had in life, what's the point in sticking around anymore? To fuck up somebody else's life?

Man, I really need to calm my ass down before I do something stupid.

Without even realising I find myself sitting on the couch staring at the ultrasound photo that Soph sent.

I have to meet this kid, I just have to...

A/N - as somebody who has struggled with my mental health for years, just know you are not alone.

If anyone EVER needs to talk, no matter what about or when, please feel free to message me privately.

As always, any feedback or suggestions are welcome.

~ Im 💕