Never Be The Same - A Charlie and Nick Story

Chapter 20 - Little Confessions, Big Steps

❗️Triggers: Eating Disorder, Self-Harm
Charlie's POV

Nick wakes up around 16:30 and groggily turns in my grip to face. With him turning, he presses into my cuts and I try to hold back the groan that wants to come from my lips. "Char I am-" I cut him off. "No apologizing, it's fine. I'm fine." I say, still holding onto him. He slowly smiles at me before pressing his face into my chest. I close my eyes and rest my cheek on the top of his head, we savor the moment together before we are interrupted by Nick's stomach growling. We both laugh and he looks up at me, bringing his hand to rest against my cheek.

"I am going to have to go back to my flat tonight..." He pauses for a moment. "Do you want to get something to eat together and then I can take you back here?" I feel a hot sensation pass through my body and my stomach turns with anxiety. The same anxiety I feel during a bad day when I can't pull myself to eat because I don't think I deserve it or everything fell out of my control.

Today with Tori, you made her feel like you don't care about her... You have been avoiding her and only thinking about yourself. Get control of this now.

"Charlie?" Nick asks, his thumb brushing across my cheekbone. "What is it?" I just shake my head. "I think I might just eat with Tao and Isaac when they get home." I lie. Nick just looks at me before he slowly shakes his head. "Yeah," he clears his throat, letting go of my cheek before adding "Uhm, okay. I can pick something up for you guys if you want and drop it off?" He's pushing...

"Nick I said no. I'll eat with them when they get back." I stay sternly, probably a little too forcefully. "Char, you haven't eaten since this-" He tries to say but an anger rising in me that I can't fight. "Nick, I said I'm not eating! Can you just drop it already and just forget about me for the night?" My voice raising with each word I say. He physically flinches after I finish. "I just am worried-"

"Nick maybe I don't deserve to have you care! All I do is cause problems for everyone. I can't eat right now so stop forcing me." I am shouting now. "Everything has just been so out of control and I can't handle it, alright? I can't deal with this all the time like it feels like I am since I got to Leed's!"

I see tears welling up in his eyes. "I didn't-" He chokes on his words and takes a deep breath before he stands up from my bed. "I didn't mean to upset you. I'm sorry."

My hands move to the crooks of my elbows and I look at my bed. Way to go... Can't get any control can you? "I-I- I a-am..." I can't even say anything, I am speechless with what I said to him. I press my fingernail into my skin through the fabric of my shirt. Nick comes to the bed and wraps his arms around me, tightly. I move my arms to rest them on his lower back. We stay there for a few moments, tears escaping down my cheeks and only his jumper. When he pulls back, he has tears streaming down his cheek.

"Nick, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to snap." I whisper, trying to not look into his eyes. My heart aching with how I just treated him. "I shouldn't have pushed you." He says, his finger lifting my chin so I am looking right into his beautiful brown eyes. "I just..." He trails off, holding back something. "Nick, you can tell me." I say. I move my hands to his biceps. He kneels down in front of the bed in front of me, he rests his hands on my knees. "I just want to know how you're feeling. Sometimes I think you're happy but... are you happy with me?" He asks and my heart aches with his question.

"Nick," I place my hands on both sides of his face. "You make me so happy. I am my happiest when I am just next to you. I love spending time with you. I don't want you to think that... I don't ever want you to think that you don't make me happy or that something is your fault. Because that's not true at all." He looks up at me, placing his hand over my right hand. "Then why can't you tell me when you are overwhelmed or when..." He pauses to take my hands in his, looking at my arms. "When you feel like you need to hurt yourself? Why can't you tell me when you are too anxious to eat or when you are having a bad day?"