You vs. My Whole Life | Bang Chan

Wish You Back

Studies show that humans can't go longer than about 10 days without sleep. 

I call bullshit. I hadn't slept since that night 2 years ago. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't sleep.

The incident kept appearing in front of my eyes, making me recall that night for the millionth time. 

Something was off. 

I remember how I had fallen asleep while waiting for updates on Jeongin's surgery, exhaustion from the events of the day taking over me, forcing my body to shut down. 

It couldn't have been more than an hour, but in that hour everything changed. 

Or maybe, what had happened before was the turning point of everything, I wasn't sure. 

Seungmin woke me up with the good news that Jeongin would make it. Y/N's bullet hadn't inflicted any serious injuries - thank god - and although he would have to rest for at least a month, he was going to be fine. 

The relief that I felt in that moment couldn't be put into words and although it was incredibly short lived, I still cherished it. 

I went to go look for her immediately. To apologize for how I made her feel when the guilt had to be eating her up already, to take back what I said when I was frustrated- to simply be there for her. 

I still didn't know how I should handle the mess we were in but that had to be a problem for tomorrow - or so I thought. 

But when I opened door 19 to enter her room, she wasn't there. She wasn't in my room either. I searched Stray Kids headquarters high and low from top to bottom but she wasn't anywhere to be found. Sana wasn't there either. 

The night she left I ran until the sun came up but I couldn't find a single trace.

The cold voices in my head kept blaming me for her disappearance and they were right. Their accusations kept lingering in my mind, making me dizzy.

If only I hadn't left her side. If only I hadn't let her come with us. If only we had never met...

It felt like I was walking through a dark tunnel with no light, like I was trapped in darkness with no end in sight.

My mind was a mess and the mirror told me my appearance was in the same state, I was at a constant war with myself. 

Wasn't it ironic how for a split second when I couldn't decide between losing her and giving up my position led me to losing both? 

Her disappearance destroyed me beyond repair, I wasn't the reliable leader I should have been and although my friends wouldn't let me feel their disappointment, I knew it was there.

It felt like all I did all day was bark orders like I was some kind of violent dog.

I knew I shouldn't be like this but I couldn't help it.

I was turning into a monster again but this time it was so much worse. 

She gave me strength just by being by my side, I was able to be myself around her.

No one could replace her, no matter how hard I tried.

Even if it would suffocate me, I would never stop looking for her.

Even if I ran until I was out of breath, or beat my fists into the wall until they were bloody, I couldn't manage to get rid of my anger.

My usual responsibilities weighed even heavier on me now.

When you miss someone, you miss everything about them. 

I missed her big happy smile, her brightness and even her stubbornness and her unseen madness.

She was so cruel as to visit me in my daydreams but as soon as I open my eyes she disappeared. 

It had been a long time since I had become crazy and it didn't seem to have an expiration date any time soon.

I knew I was never good enough for her and I knew I was greedy because I still wanted her.

'Time will solve anything' is bullshit. 

Instead of the gaping wound she left that should turn into a scar over time like all the others had, the emptiness she had left remained.

It felt like everyday was the same and I was so fucking sick of it. 

Haunting my memories, trying to push them to the back of my mind but since they were deeply engraved in my heart I couldn't help but relive them. Even if I tried to forget them they appeared over and over in front of my eyes. 

My heart was lost, it was like a broken compass that won't lead me the right way.

My soul was slowly fading to dust.

My everyday reality was an impossibility.

I tried to wrap up the chaos in my head but remained unsuccessful. 

Unfortunately there was no cure for what I was going through. I had asked Seungmin if there were any drugs he could give me to numb my feelings. 

"There's no medicine for heartbreak," was all he had said. 

I lay down restless, staring at the night sky, regretting life choices. 

My thoughts piled up so high they formed a wall, my bad temper formed into a shield.

My head was spinning. 

Time must've flown, 2 years had already gone by while I was a ghost of myself, an empty shell. 

Anxiety and worry were my constant companions. Was she alive? Was she okay? 

Did she miss me like I missed her?

The inside of my mind burned and filled up with question marks that blamed me. 

I looked up at the lonely moon that casts a shadow over my face, coloring me black. It was like my world was black and white, like she took all of the colors with her when she left. 

I had been begging the moon and the stars to light up the night sky and show me her footsteps way too many times. 

My head hurt. 

Her voice kept haunting me, torturing me.

I needed to finally overcome this. 

Get over it. Forget her and move on. 

I needed to be a leader for my team again.