You vs. My Whole Life | Bang Chan

Star Lost

Something was different today.

Even if I had lost my step, I needed to be a straight ruler again. I knew that, in fact, I had known it all along. But today I was going to try again.

To not let me and my crew suffer from missing her any longer.

Or at least, try not to.

I had decided to finally step up again, despite the condition I was in. Thanks to my friends' help, the plan we came up with together allowed me to carry out a mission. Although Seungmin and Jisung had voiced their concerns about me being unpredictable, they were glad I was speaking up for myself and wanted to be part of the mission.

And they knew not to deny me. They were apprehensive, not stupid.

This time, we were heading to an abandoned warehouse because we assumed that was were Lee Sooman had hidden his treasures. Two years after his death we were still looking for his assets. I expected to find drugs and at least a couple of million dollars this time.

"I'll go inside alone. The both of you make sure Hyunjin doesn't get discovered," I said to Changbin and Jisung who were supposed to accompany me, changing the plan last minute.

"Are you sure you're ready bro?" Changbin asked, alluding to how this was my first actual mission in two damn years. I grabbed his shoulder and gave him a slight nod.

Jisung didn't look too happy about my decision but was smart enough not to question it.

"We'll stay close in case you need us." I appreciated both, their concern and their trust equally.

But I needed to prove to them and especially myself that I was still capable of being a gang leader that made plans and decisions, no matter the circumstances.

I got out of the car and carefully approached the warehouse, checking my weapons and tightening the gloves on my hands. It was a habit I couldn't seem to get rid of.

Once I reached the door, I pushed it open and stepped inside, the musty smell instantly hitting my nostrils and I tried not to gag as the stench burned in my eyes. I pulled up my mask to cover half of my face and protect my senses from the disgusting scent.

That was when I saw movement from the corner of my eye.

A young girl dressed in black shoving who knows what into her backpack. She seemed younger than me and judging by her frantic movements, she couldn't be in the game for nearly as long as I had.

I carefully approached her, not making a single sound before standing right behind her and clearing my throat.

The girl turned around and I used that exact moment of surprise to pin her against a wall, her struggle not even noticeable. She was certainly new to this lifestyle.

I grinned, pleased with my quick victory.

"What gang do you belong to?" I asked her but she just glared at me in response. Of course it wouldn't be that easy, even if she was a beginner.

"I don't want to hurt you," I tried, but the kind approach wasn't working.

However there were so many more approaches I had been able to learn over the last year that were far from kind. And contrary to the me of the past, I was ready to use every single one of them.

I used to be scared of hating myself because of the things I had done but now that she was gone I loathed not only myself but living itself.

I swore myself to never ever hesitate at pulling the trigger again. And I intended to keep that promise.

"Who's your boss? Let me talk to them," the girl in front of me started to laugh and I used more force to keep her locked between my body and the unyielding concrete wall, making her gasp.

"I don't think she would want to talk to you." My heart started to race like it was about to burst at her statement.

The sound of light footsteps approaching us could be heard but I couldn't turn around as I stood frozen in place. The smart girl used the distraction to slip out of my hold and run into the direction her allies came from.

Even though I always used to be one step ahead, I couldn't see this coming.

Not even my wildest imaginations could have prepared me for it.

My mind that was always crowded, overflowing with random thoughts and overthinking everything couldn't have made this scenario up. I had imagined her in the night sky, a bright star comforting me, like her death was more likely than her return to me.

But I knew I wouldn't get better by ignoring my own heart. Even if my own shadows caught up to me and swallowed me whole, I wouldn't stop chasing her light.

And for the first time in a long time I decided to listen to my heart and let it guide me. I felt the light flooding in, shining on me, erasing the darkness that had settled inside of me.

A shiver went all over my body like I was struck by lightning when I realized it was who I had been looking for for all this time.

A riot was happening inside of me, strange feelings passing through me one by one as I stared at what I've wanted to find so badly and for a second I questioned if this was all another cruel dream, showing me what I couldn't have.

I could feel the long period of time that was so harsh, so terrible, so lonely finally come to an end.

"Lily's right," the voice that haunted me day and night said. "I don't want to talk to you."

Was it just me who missed us so much?

And although I had hoped every single day that went by slow since that time 2 years ago would pass quickly, I would like for the time to stop now.

At least for a bit.