Her 8 Older Brothers

The Journal

Ariana's POV:

I'm so bored. I've been lying in bed for hours. Nick left two days ago and it's been so lonely around here. The boys went back to school, and Gio, Ant, and Matty all went to work. I'm home alone and it's so dumb. I just want some sort of attention. You know, when I first got here the oldest five all wanted to be around me, rarely leaving me alone and now it feels like I'm nothing. I don't get it. Maybe I'm being annoying.

I get into my closet and grab a black cropped T-shirt and some athletic shorts. After changing I walk downstairs to our at-home gym. I work out for about an hour before making my way to the kitchen to make a snack. I eat some yogurt with grapes before going to my bathroom to take a bath. I put on my playlist of music I listen to when I'm feeling down as the bath fills up and start to undress. I look in the mirror at all the marks on my body. I frown before quickly getting into the bathtub. I slide underwater and grip my head trying to shut out the thoughts and voices; they don't stop. They start to grow louder and louder, they don't love you, they just feel bad. He's dead because of you. You're ugly. Those scars? You deserve them. Everything they did to you was deserved. You don't deserve your brothers. They probably hat-

Knock knock

I pop my head up needing to breathe as I hear someone knock on the door.

-Ari, are you okay in there?

It's just Metias. I take a deep breath holding my chest.

-Y-yeah. I'm good.

-Alright if you wanna hang out when you're done, I'm free too.

I don't respond. I hear him leave and I sigh, falling back into the water. I jump up quickly when I realize it's freezing cold. What the fuck? I shake my head and get out, wrapping a fluffy towel around me. I put my hair products in my hair and blow dry it. Once it's dry enough for me, I throw it into a ponytail with my scrunchie. Drying off, I stare at my wrist. I see my past scars and start thinking.

TW: Self-harm

I reach into my bathroom drawer, searching for something. The only thing I can find is a razor blade. One cut, that's it. Just one. I place the blade on my thigh and hold it there for a moment. I inhale through my nose and exhale through my mouth. One cut. I push the blade down and slice. I stare at the cut, watching the blood slowly come out. I look at my other thigh. It's a clean canvas. No cuts, no scars. A couple of bruises. I place the blade on the other thigh and before I know it, I've got three cuts on each leg. I stare at the cuts and drop to the floor by my bathroom counter. I sit there holding the bloody razor as I stare at the wall. There goes that. After a while, I managed to stop the bleeding and put bandages over them. I threw on a pair of boxers and sweatpants, putting on a sports bra with a cropped tank top. I don't care about the marks on my arms right now, I'm too hot. I leave the bathroom and stand out on my balcony. I lean over and stare out into New York. It's currently 5:53 pm meaning most of the boys will be home soon. I jump up on the railing, glad that it's thick enough. And sit there for a while staring. It starts to get darker outside. I think about my life and wonder if things are worth it. A voice startles me out of my thoughts.

-Ariana?

I jump up quickly and luckily don't fall off the balcony. I turn around to see Antonio standing there. I start to fiddle with my hands behind my back while he stands there studying me.

-Dinner's ready. Come on.

I nod my head quickly and limp past him to the dining room. Once I get into the room, Gio glares at me. Great, they really do hate you. I shake my head and sit down in my normal seat. I look to the side and see Nick's not there. I feel my mood get worse as I eat my mac'n'cheese and corn. Everybody else has meatloaf as well but I don't like it so I don't. Mathew's voice snaps me out of my thoughts.