⌞ always the angel, never a god ⌝

*⌞ twenty-nine : three... ⌝*

( mentions of abuse, alcoholism, throwing up )

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"Eilulia, you can't-"

"No, no no no no- you have to let me go. Y-you have to let me go. I have to-"

_

"Lu, Eilulia. My love, you have to change. You're soaking wet, I don't want you to get cold." 

I shook my head and Lewis sighed, kneeling in front of me. My eyes were still glossy from crying. I had stopped sobbing sometime ago, time had become a joke. I wasn't completely present in what was going on. 

"Darling, you have to change. Please." 

"Getting sick doesn't matter when Jules is in surgery." 

He signed again and I felt a bit bad. I knew I was being unreasonable but I couldn't bring myself to care. The race stopped after the crash and Lewis raced us to the hospital, following the ambulance. I don't remember the drive but I do remember Lewis trying to get me to calm down. He told me that I was having a panic attack and I couldn't remember the last time I had one of those. 

I had grown past them. Or I had become numb to what usually set them off. Most of the time, it happened after Father got angry. I tried not to remember what happened during the times that he drank. But I did remember how I felt and the panic it caused me after. The worst part was trying to be quiet because I knew he would come back if he found out I was crying. 

"Can you please change for me?" 

"If I do it, will you shut up?" 

He paused and I realized how much venom my voice held but I couldn't find my words to apologize. It didn't matter because he nodded. I sighed and took the clothes that Nico had been holding behind him. He went back to the hotel with Toto to grab anything I could need. Nico had called my family and they said they would be here as quick as they could. But I didn't want them here. 

They were bad luck- or, maybe I was. Everything bad that had ever happened was because of me. Jules would have lived if I wasn't in Japan. He would be joking around at the driver's party with the rest of the grid but instead, we were here. And I was soaking wet. 

I sighed as I closed the door behind me, locking the door. I sat the clothes on the table to the side of the sink, taking a second to look at myself. My eyes were red and it was an understatement to say that my mascara was running. It looked like I had been sobbing in the rain like a crappy rom-com. My hair was ratty from the wind and my curls had gone crazy from the rain. 

I wanted to throw up and I stepped away from the mirror, knowing I couldn't stand to see myself right now. I needed to get this done so I could get back to the waiting room. Someone needed to be there when Jules got out and he woke up. I needed to be there to apologize to him. 

So I stripped off my clothes. I had lost Toto's raincoat somewhere. I wondered if it had come off when I was fighting him. I wondered if I had hurt him and then the guilt spread through me. Or, no. That wasn't guilt. 

I rushed over to the toilet, my knees slamming into the cold tile as my breakfast came up. A sob escaped my lips and I forced myself to take a breath. I couldn't cry anymore. Crying was weak and I needed to be strong for Jules. I needed to be strong for when the boys got here. I needed to be strong. 

There was a knock on the door and I looked up from the toilet, quickly flushing it. 

"Who is it?" 

"It's Sebastian. Lewis asked me to come check on you, it's been a bit."