⌞ always the angel, never a god ⌝

*⌞ thirty-six : goodbyes ⌝*

( mentions of abuse ) 

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" I promise you that everything will be okay by the end of tomorrow. " 

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I woke up the next morning, on time. It wasn't like I was getting much sleep to begin with, everything was filled with nightmares of that day. It was only fair, according to my mind, since it was the day of the funeral. 

I rolled out of the bed, hissing at the pain that I was in from the night before. Nothing had worked out for me. Father had caught onto the fact that Mother had been helping me. Everything had gone south from there. Looking in the mirror, the bruising had turned from red to dark purple. How cliche to go to a funeral with a black eye. 

I sighed and started to get ready. I thought I would be crying but I felt completely numb. Maybe it was because of how long I had been stuck in this house again or maybe it was because I had no more tears left to cry. I couldn't find it in me to care as I covered the bruise with a color correcter, going through the steps Mother had taught me. 

I thought about not covering it up, finally letting everyone know what went on in this house. But who would actually care? Lewis, the grid.. maybe? It wouldn't make a difference if I couldn't find a way out today. Jules was smart, he had caught on early, but even he couldn't do anything. Not without ruining everything for the boys. 

There was a knock on my door and I froze. "Oui?" 

It was Mother. She opened the door and looked at me, putting the finishing touches on the steps to cover my bruise. 

"I was going to check to make sure you didn't need help with that." 

"Father has given me enough of these, Mama. I think I have it." 

She sat down on the edge of the bed, looking down at her hands. I put down the brush and turned in my vanity chair to face her. It looked like she had been crying, her eyes all puffy and red. I wondered if it had to do with Father, guilt filling me that I wasn't there to make sure she was okay. 

But it stopped when I realized that she was my mother, that she should have been the one comforting me. Not over the fact that I had to cover up a black eye from my father on the day of my godfather's funeral. But over broken hearts and shitty friends. I think she realized that too as she looked up at me. 

"I am sorry, Eli." 

I didn't say anything. I didn't have anything to say to her. 

"I always wanted a girl, y'know? Your father wanted boys. And the day you were born, was the best and worst day of my life. I finally got what I wished for but I also knew that I was bringing you into this house. I should have left your father at that moment but I.. I loved him. I thought I could protect you, that maybe you would be lucky enough that he would forget all about you." She paused, wiping the tears that had started to fall. "I was wrong and I'm sorry." 

At that moment, I saw her for who she was. A girl who had fallen in love, dreaming of this perfect family with the person who made her feel like she was bathing in the sun. And a woman who had been trapped because of the way she loved. I grieved for that girl, but I still held so much anger for the mother she was. 

_ 

"Be on your best behavior." 

Charlie and I nodded, knowing that this would be about us. Jules had been close with everyone but he was our godfather. It always came back to us. 

"And try to look like you two love each other." 

That was Mother as she went to sit with everyone else in the front row. Charlie and I standing at the doors, ready to greet everyone. It was mostly people I didn't know. His own family, maybe. Friends, people that wanted to act like they knew him. I tried my hardest to flash smiles and take whatever words of condolence people gave, but I didn't care. None of these people knew my Jules, not in the way that matters.