⌞ always the angel, never a god ⌝

⌞ thirty-four : cycles ⌝

"You have forgotten that you have responsibilities around this house."

_

I was truly alone. Charlie had somehow managed to turn Carmen against me. She didn't even look at me in the halls, she moved seats in the classes we had together and made sure to completely avoid me at lunch. I didn't have anyone anymore. But it was fine. The funeral was a few days away and I was going to find a way out of this fucking house, out of this town. Whatever it took, I wasn't staying here any longer. 

I got to the house a few minutes early and Mother was sitting on the couch, reading something. 

"Ah, you're home. And early!" 

I nodded and she got up. I walked into the kitchen to grab myself a snack. I looked over the list Father left for me. It was longer than the morning and I suspected as much. Clean up my room, clean the boy's room. Clean downstairs, make dinner, and then pick up everything for the boys when they get home. Easy but long. I wasn't going to get to bed at a reasonable time if I was supposed to do my homework after all of this. 

"Lila?" 

I turned around to see Mother with my phone. I raised an eyebrow, looking down at it and then back up at her. 

"What is this for?" 

"Your father isn't going to be home for a bit. You can have it but make sure you're getting those chores done." 

"Mama-" 

She shook her head, putting the phone in my hand before walking away. I didn't ask any questions, just moving to a place where I could see the door but still hide my phone. There were tons of messages from the grid and Mako. I ignored Mako and opened the texts from Lewis. 

Lew

Glad you made it home okay.

Hey, kiddo. Just checking in, let me 
know if you need anything.

I hope you're okay. Reach out if you
need anything. I'm always here.

I love you, kiddo. We miss you, it's 
too quiet in the flat. 

I'm trying to find a way to make sure 
you can stay with us, give me some time.

I should have it by the funeral. I promise. 

i love you too and that's great news. i am 
so sorry that i haven't messaged back, i got 
grounded. but i will see you at the funeral and 
we can talk then.

I understand. Please, stay safe.

always

I closed his message and went through the rest. It was more of the same. Nico was sending me pictures from the flat and all the places I had told him I fell in love with while in London. Seb was sending me pictures from the races and keeping me updated on what was going on with him. Kimi was just sending his short little messages but they still made me smile. Jenson was sending me really awful memes and they did make me giggle a bit. My hands shook a bit as I opened the messages from Dani, scared to see what they were. But I needed to. 

Dani

Hey kid. I know you probably won't
care too much about this. But I miss
you. And nothing really feels the
same without you here.

I went back to his flat and
everything reminds me of you.
Of course, him too. But that
was your home. I've just been
sitting in your room, looking
at all of your pictures. You're
a wonderful photographer. 

I love you so much and I can't
wait to see you again, even if it 
is the funeral. I hope you
know I'll always be here
when you need me. 

I smiled at his messages and typed out an edited version of the text I sent to Lewis before closing my phone. It was good to be able to see what they were saying, to remind myself that there were people out there who loved me and that I wasn't completely alone in this world. I was just stuck in this hole and soon enough, I would be home. 

Walking back into the sitting room, I handed the phone back to Mother. She smiled as she took it back. There wasn't anything that needed to be said but I knew that there was still some sort of bridge between us, even if we weren't the closest. 

_

I knew that the boys were home because there was laughter in the house. I could hear Arty and Charlie joking about something and it made my heart tinge, wishing I was part of that. But that was over. I was, after all, the scapegoat. And Jules's death was another thing to put on me. I didn't completely blame them, either. I knew that everyone dealt with it differently but I just wished we could do it together. 

I left the kitchen to go pick up their bags. Arty needed to get his homework done and that would only happen if it was set out on the kitchen table. Charlie's practice clothes needed to be washed and dry for tomorrow. 

Neither of them looked at me as I collected their things as if I was a ghost in the house. And sometimes it felt like I was. I wondered how many of Jules's features I had. It had been days since I had allowed myself to look in the mirror. All I could see was the pain and Jules. It made everything hurt more. 

But I didn't have time to dwell on the past, I had to get everything started and finish up dinner. Mother had been helping me before Father had called to say that they were heading home. I didn't know why she was helping me but I didn't question it. All I knew was she was helping and I would take it. 

"Eilulia." 

I looked up from the work I was setting on the table to see Father standing over me. 

"Sir?" 

"Your mother said you got here on time." 

I nodded, wondering what was going to come from that. 

"Get everything done. The boys are hungry from training." 

"Yes sir." 

I waited until he was gone before moving again. The fear was still coursing through my body, causing my hands to shake as I threw Charlie's clothes into the laundry. There was still more I needed to do and that meant I didn't have time to mess around. 

Fear, as Mother had told me ages ago, meant that I was still alive. It was a way to protect me. I didn't know if I really believed that. There was a life out there for me that wasn't filled with fear and I only had to get through a couple more days for that chance. I wouldn't miss it. I was done with sitting on the sidelines. 

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a/n: shorter but i wanted to give you all a slight break from the angst before we got to the funeral. i hope you all are getting the rest and therapy that you need, we can go together if not. as always, love it or don't :p