Madagascar (Reader Insert)

$19,000,000 Vehicle

[Moments Later]

Skipper: Skipper's log. Private has been kidnapped by Dave, while we have been cast adrift for what seems like days. No rations, fresh water... or land in sight. Roberto has passed out. Kowalski's sick as a dog. And Rico keeps trying to eat him.

Kowalski: Just, please, just cut it out.

Skipper: Not sure how long we can hold on. This may be my final entry. Ow.

Classified: 2004 Grand Cru. Hints of pear, white peaches.

Eva: The salmon is delicious.

Short Fuse: Oh, I have never been more hydrated in my life.

Eva: Let me cut you a piece of the salmon.

Classified: No, thank you. I'm stuffed.

Roberto: I'm sorry, what?

Eva: It's the most delicious thing on the boat.

Classified: I have to loosen my utility belt.

Short Fuse: No, I'm full. Just dump it in the ocean.

Skipper: You know, we're all in the same boat here.

Classified: Actually, we're not. And perhaps you could express a little more concern over the fact that you stole and destroyed a $19 million vehicle!

Skipper: Bill me.

Classified: Corporal? Corporal?

Corporal: We're picking up a signal, sir. It's five klicks southwest, but it stopped at that remote island.

Skipper: Land? Good on you. You've tracked down some land.

Short Fuse: No, silly willy. We've been tracking your little secretary/mascot.

Skipper: What? You put a homing device on Private?

Classified: All of you, actually, when I darted you.

Skipper: You low-down, dirty, mangy, filthy, flea-bitten, bum-sniffing toilet drinker! But... good.

Classified: See, I told you. You should've left this to the professionals.

Roberto: In my defense, we're also professionals here.

...

[Meanwhile at Dave's base, later that night]

Penguin: 892. 893. 894. 895.

Dave: Ahoy there! Penguins. I bet you're all just dying to know why I brought you here.

Mermaid Penguin: He's gonna kill us all!

Dave: What? No. My Medusa Serum doesn't kill anyone. Where's the fun in that?

Private: (Feminine voice) So, um, what does it do?

Dave: Something much, much worse.

Private: (Feminine voice) Right. But, like, what specifically?

Dave: Well, that's exactly what I came up here to show you. All I need is a test subject. Hello, little buggy-boo!

Cricket: Is this about the chirping? 'Cause I could... Whoa! Whoa!

Dave: Behold, as I unleash the full power of the Medusa Serum. Fire! Yes! It works! I made a monster. I made a monster! And all you adorable penguins are next!

Private: Crikey!

Dave: Who said that? No. No. No. Yes! Gentlemen, you remember Private.

Octopi: Oh, hey.

Private: You'll never get away with this, Dave. My brothers are coming, and together we'll take a wrecking ball to your whole rotten operation.

Dave: Call off the hunt, everyone. Turns out the elite unit will be coming to us. Boop.

...

[Meanwhile outside of Dave's base, The Penguins and the North Wind are spying on them]

Classified: Eva? What do you see?

Eva: My count is 30 hostiles.

Kowalski: 31. Those two are very close together. I mean, you know, intertwined, physically, but... but not in...

Skipper: Ixnay on the irtflay, Kowalski. Poor Private. Alone, helpless in the belly of that beast.

Kowalski: We've faced some long odds before, Skipper, but these look like the longest and oddest. If we're gonna pull this off, we'll need a diversion.

Camo Tech: Deactivating jungle camouflage.

Classified: Shh! Would you be quiet?

Skipper: Listen, Classified...

Classified: Short Fuse, you were supposed to handcuff them to the rock!

Skipper: Don't you hologram me!

Short Fuse: I tried, but they don't have hands. They just have flippers, boss. And I have flippers! So it's flipping useless!

Skipper: All right, pooch. If you won't work with us, you better work for us. Our plan requires a diversion.

Classified: I give the orders around here. Much as it pains me, I need you to act as our diversion for our operation, understood?

Skipper: Nope! This is our plan, and it requires you to cause a diversion.

Classified: Die-version.

Skipper: Dih-version.

Classified: Die, die, die, die, die, die!

Skipper: Dih, dih, dih, dih, dih, dih!

Roberto: (Sighs) This ain't gonna end well.

Kowalski: Yep.

Eva: Gentlemen, there is only one way to resolve this.

Kowalski: We should kiss.

Eva: Plan-off.

Kowalski: Yep, plan-off. That's what I was gonna say. Plan-off.