Our Hearts as One

Ted: Part 18

I had a problem. Admitting it was the first step. Don't get me wrong,  I wasn't addicted to alcohol or nothing but I was spoiled. I remembered always throwing a tantrum when my parents would tell me no, I was used to getting my way. So this drinking and violence is a subtle but not so subtle tantrum.  All because I couldn't get back with Johan. I knew that what I did to him was messed up and fine if the roles were reversed I probably would have acted the same way. Hell, the roles don't need to be reversed,  I want to break up with myself. But self-pity is getting me absolutely no where. Instead of feeling sorry for myself I tried to find a solution to my problems but I was getting no where with that either but finally I decided to start small. I went to school and talked to all my teachers. There was a lot of apologizing and butt kissing involved but eventually I managed to pry extra credit out of all of them.
       As I was getting the last of my work from my Algebra teacher, Jake came running up toward me.

"Hey man, we on for drinks tonight?"

"Nah, sorry. I got homework to do." I said and headed out to the parking lot but Jake followed.

"Wait, what?" He stopped in his tracks in the middle of the lot.

"What?" I asked, confused at his reaction

"So...let me get this straight. You decide to blow off school and get hammered and start living the life of the party and now all of a sudden its about homework and your too busy?" He asked.

"Well when you put it that way...yeah." I continued the treck to my car.

"Whats gotten into you bro? These last few months...I feel like I dont even know you." The wind outside was starting to blow and Jake pulled his jacket closer. He seemed...hurt? I had no idea why though.

"I've been through a lot recently." I started walking toward my car, drawing my coat around me as well.  It was early April but a storm was brewing so I wanted to get home quick.

"Well why won't you tell me anything?" I peered back at Jake and was surprised that he seemed legitimately concerned. I reached my car and shoved my books in my backseat then walked over to Jake. I put my hands on his shoulders and faced him.

"Listen Jake. You are still my best friend. But I got some things going through my mind right now that's kinda personal. I appreciate the concern but don't worry about it. We are still cool. Okay?"

Jake looked down but not before I caught a glimpse of redness on his cheeks. Was he blushing? I didn't bother to wonder why, I just told him I had to leave and jumped in my car. He stared at my car as I pulled out with emotion written all over his face but one I couldn't pinpoint. I needed this fresh start. I needed to get my life back in one piece and get Johan's face out of his mind. I couldn't think of his wide green eyes and that mess of soft curly hair...his smile, so perfect I couldn't bear it....
I snapped out of it. I stared out at the clouds as I was waiting at a red light.
I've never fallen so hard, so fast. I thought. Was it the fact that he was my soulmate? Watching people walk around, husbands and wives, their children running around in the nearby park, I wondered if there was something wrong with me. A few months ago I was perfectly straight and never thought of another male in such a way but I just couldn't get this one out of my head. Why me? Why did I have to be gay? Why didnt my heart glow for a girl like everyone else? I thought that but deep in the back of my mind I know I was happy about who my heart chose.

The light changed and I closed the distance between there and my house pretty quickly. I needed to bury my mind in homework. Hopefully that would help me forget, if just for a while.

When I got home Mom was waiting at the door. "Where have you been?"

"School?" I questioned, assuming that was the obvious answer.