Permafrost [COMPLETED]

Marcus

When I was born, it was the last thing that I wanted to do.

Granted I was only 2 minutes old and all I could do was cry, but the burning in my lungs and the blood in my veins was all telling that no matter what, life was gonna be crappy.

For starters, my parents didn't want me. My mom had just turned 20 and my dad was nowhere to be found.

I was almost put up for adoption and I realize now that maybe that wouldn't have been the worst thing.

But my mom's sister Amy convinced them to keep me. And so in turn, they dropped me with her every chance they got.

And when I turned 8, my mom took me back for real this time. And never let Amy have me again.

But I didn't want to live with my mom anymore. She had gotten worse.

My dad had left her, she was swimming in debt, piles of bills and bills scattered the kitchen table.

Then she started seeing this guy Bryan and in flew hundreds upon hundreds of babysitters, looking only to get paid, throwing me in bed and telling me to sleep even before 7:30.

Then as if everything were in slow motion, my walls came crumbling down.

Bryan who was now my step-father, came home drunk every night.

Hit my mother, hit my cat, threatened to hit me.

My mom shot him that night and it didn't take long for the Reepers to show up.

Before she was deported, I used to sleep easily at night.

When I turned 15, I met Levi.

And he made me believe that not everything was a bad thing.

He made me live as though I wasn't before.

He took me to my first Drake party and by the end of the night, I didn't remember any of it.

Levi told me that I told everyone to call me Arcus, claiming that I left the 'm' at home.

And even after my grandfather passed away, I lived by the rules of Levi and turned everything into a positive.

I still had our memories and I still had that broken baseball bat in my garage that I got at that baseball game I went to with my grandfather when I was little.

Levi was always there for me.

And even as I was being dragged away from him, Bradley on my heels, screams coming from my mouth as a needle was pushed into my skin, I still thought about the positives and that maybe I would be with my mother after all.

Completely out of it and scared to death, I still fought the urge to cave in and let the mixture take over me.

Seeing Levi and Cade outside that door made everything livable once again and for the first time, my lungs could breathe.

And then everything that I felt was paralyzed into extreme guilt when I realized that they had to come back for me instead of saving themselves and losing Noah weighed on my shoulders like you wouldn't believe.

"Hey man, you okay?" Levi asks, my distant glazed eyes looking at him as I tried to sound believable.

"Fine." I whisper, my voice shaky as I take in a deep breath.

"This is not your fault, okay? You hear me?" Levi was persistent, placing a hand on my shoulder as we kept walking.

He could say that a hundred more times and nothing would be further from the truth.

Because I knew it was my fault. How could it not be?

Keeping everyone alive was something that was crucial and I couldn't have been more wrong when I thought that Noah staying there was a good idea.

For some stupid reason, I thought he would make it out okay.

And in that moment I knew I had screwed up.

Hearing gunshot after gunshot ringing through my ears, my whole body numb as I pushed myself to keep running.

I should've gone back for him.

And the worst of all was when Katie found out.

"You did what!? You didn't try and talk him out of it!!?"

"We couldn't!!"

And the worst was holding her back.

"You're not going back to save him. He's already gone."

She eventually stopped, fear taking over her body until she crumbled, breaking into a tear stained face and swollen eyes.

Her silent crying and quiet sniffles in the dark made it harder for anyone to sleep that night.

Especially me.

"It's not your fault, Marcus."

Levi's voice playing over in my mind, making me shut my eyes tight until they hurt, squeezing my fingernails into my palms.

It was. It was my fault and that made the pain so much worse.

So much worse.