Permafrost [COMPLETED]

Katie

When I was a little girl I believed that no matter what there was no way that evil could ever weigh out the good.

That with the tiniest ounce of kindness, all the destruction and disaster would blow away like a feather in the wind.

When I turned 9, I had to go live with my grandma because to her, cigarette fumes were bad for a child's brain.

But to me that wasn't strange because I had never seen a time where my parents didn't have a cigarette in their hand or a bottle of alcohol in their system.

When I was stopped from visiting them anymore, I knew that one of them had hit rock bottom.

And now I can't even begin to tell you what it was like to have loving parents because all I remember is my grandma at my bedside.

The only thing I vividly remember from that time was when my cat, Pancake died in her sleep.

As I got older, I hid behind different shades of lipstick and cheap sunglasses, never quite feeling like I was up to standard against the pretty girls with long hair and tight jeans.

But there was one thing that always made me happy.

One thing that I had that I could always count on to brighten my day.

Even if it had been the worst week of them all.

Even after my sister died.

One person who always knew what I was going through and stuck by me no matter what.

Noah.

And even though I picked on him and constantly gave him crap, he was like the brother I never had and the only friend that I would ever want.

And I will tell you right now that the worst thing in life is not dying, no, it's having someone you love taken from you, ripped right from your grasp and you get to watch as the light leaves their eyes.

Because once you die, you don't feel anything.

You can't cry, you can't be sad, you can't feel absolutely sick to your stomach.

You can't wonder what could have been.

But when you take someone that has been such a big part of your life and they just disappear, it's like having the feeling drained from your body. The color drained from your eyes.

It's the color that threatens to be spilled when he hides a secret, it's the color of his clothes when you know where he's been, it's the shade of white that leaves his eyes when he thinks you know something he doesn't, it's the very ink that sinks into skin and leaves scars, the type of love that doesn't let broken pieces remain shattered, the words that he whispers when you know that nothing will make you feel the same way again.

And all you can see is just different shades of grays and whites, constantly wishing that you could see the color of the sky just one more time but you never can.

All you see is that dull gray that resided in his eyes as he took his last breath, afraid of that next plunge.

And it makes you think about all the things in his head.

Precious memories, thoughts, doubts, hopes and dreams, things he never got to say.

A tear makes it way down my cheek and I don't move to wipe it away.

It's when it hits my nose that it starts to bother me.

"Are you okay?" Levi asks, stopping a second to let me catch up. I look back at him as if staying behind is something that I want to do.