May We Meet Again

I. First Anniversary

Bellamy's POV

Sighing, I walk to the viewing window. "I can't believe it's been a whole year," I mutter under my breath.

Today is the anniversary of the return of Skaikru into space, of Praimfaya and... of Clarke's death. I'm not ready to face it, any of it- not the window nor the fact that it has been a whole year since I left Clarke to die. The regret has been eating away at me all year and I have no possible idea as to why Raven would want me to come to the damn window. She knows I avoid it at all costs. Earth will still be swallowed up by the fires of Praimfaya and Clarke will still be dead. As I continue down the hall to meet Raven, I flashback to the bunker...

Clarke was talking to me, but all I could help notice was the cold sweat that has broken out on her face. I had brushed my hand against her face, to move the stuck hair and I had wittily (and stupidly) asked: "Hey, what's with this cold sweat?" Damn, I was such an idiot, I think. Why didn't I just hold her, wipe the sweat from her brow and remind her again that I needed her, that we all needed her? She was wrong when she said that everything I did was for Octavia. It was all for you too, Clarke. A sob travels through me and before I can think of anything else, I am on the ground, my hand on the wall for support with tears threatening to drown me. I growl in frustration and turn to punch the wall as I stand. Damn you, Bellamy!

I look around, frantic. "Fuck!!" I yell at the wall, at the Ark, at Clarke, at Raven for making me leave my solitude. "Just fuck everything." I grab my head and pace in a circle.

"Hey Bellamy," I hear softly. I jump and turn to see an empathetic Monty and Raven staring at me. I hadn't noticed that I was close to the window. Monty approaches me and before I can think of what could possibly happen, the sorrowful Monty embraces me in a hug and I feel my angry resolve begin to melt away.

"Guys," I start softly. I'm hurting them with my grief. What kind of leader thinks only of himself? My friends are hurting too; Clarke would be ashamed.

"It's okay," says Raven evenly, as Monty pulls away. Both continue to look at me with sad eyes and suddenly I can't stand it. I don't want their pity. We all left her. Why am I the only one who cares? "Why the hell am I here?" I fire at them, as I step away from Monty and cross my arms in front of my body. The two exchange glances and I still see the pity in their eyes. Raven looks back at me and states, "Please don't get angry at us Bellamy, but we all thought that we could use some closure."

I look at them, angry with myself and them. "Closure? You think I need closure? You don't know what the hell I need," I snap. Raven steps closer to me and rests her hand on my shoulder, "Bellamy, please just come with, " she asks. I see Monty nod behind her. I look from one pitying face to other. "Fine," I acknowledge. "But lose the pitying looks and I'm going back to my room after this." The two share another look and echo my response; "Fine," they say and Monty walks down the hall, leaving Raven at my side.

I can tell that she is worried about me, I think back to Clarke's last words that I need to start thinking with my head instead of my heart. I'm causing them more pain than I'm worth. I can't be the only one who feels so terrible about Clarke's death. I make a promise to myself then to not let my feelings overwhelm me again. I cannot be a burden on my friends, not when I am meant to lead them. "Raven," I voice. "I will be fine. Stop staring at me like I'm a broken radio or something." I see a tiny grin appear, but the worry in her eyes remains as she grabs my arm and leads me down the hall.

I stop short when the window comes into view. Everyone is waiting- Murphy and Emori embrace each other off the side and I see Echo next to them. Harper is fixing something by the window while Monty is leaning against the wall waiting for us to appear. "Finally," snorts Murphy. "I was beginning to think you could only sleep." I shoot him a dark look but then notice the smirk that accompanies his comment. I smirk back while Emori watches the exchange with wide eyes. It's been a year and I still feel as if she has no idea how to handle our interactions.

"Are we ready?" Monty asks Harper. She turns from the window and it is then that I notice what she was doing. It's a shrine... a damn shrine for the one death I can't and won't forgive myself for.

"Guys. What the fuck is this?" I spit, the words catching in the back of my throat. I feel the tears coming again but I remember my promise. "Some one explain right now or I'm leaving", I state as I look at every face and point at the shrine. They just stare and I punch the wall again, my knuckles screaming in agony as the blood drips off them. Monty steps forward, panicked, and stands next to Harper. "Bellamy," he starts softly. "No Monty!" I yell as I step back down the hallway I came from.

"Bellamy stop," Raven snaps. "We are ALL hurting here. Just please stay." I feel her hand on my arm again and I look down at her. Fuck being strong today. I feel the tears well up and I do nothing to stop them; I grab my head and squat down. "I don't know how to deal with it," I croak. "I left her to die. After everything, I left her." I feel Raven kneel down next to me and suddenly her arms are around me and I'm crying. This is just like when I held Clarke after I told her the radio died in the bunker. The sobs come harder and I'm struggling to breathe. I hear more crying and the wetness on my shoulder alerts me that it's Raven. "Shhh," she whispers. "It will be okay."

When my sobs subside and Raven releases me, I shift my position and sit against the wall. Harper and Monty's faces are wet with their tears, and even Emori has a few trailing down her cheeks. Murphy just looks indifferent as he stares out the window, his arm tightly wrapped around Emori's waist. He turns to look at me and goes, "I know this wasn't the plan, but screw it. You can't plan something like this." He glances at Raven who nods her head; I in my peripheral that the others do the same. Murphy looks back at me.

"I never particularly liked Clarke, but she grew on me. I pumped a freaking dead girl's heart for her!" He chuckles, as he glances back out the window as if remembering the last battle. "Clarke saved my life when she stayed behind; she saved Emori's I can't thank her for it." Murphy halts and buries his head in Emori's shoulder. She leans against him but stares into my eyes. "I wanted to wait for her too, Bellamy," she says.

Monty steps forward from his place beside Harper and the shrine. He crouches in front of me and hands me an iPod, Jasper's iPod. I look at it, incredulous that Monty is offering it; I look at his face. "Monty," I whisper. "No, I couldn't..." Monty ignores me and places the device in my hands; as he wraps my fingers around it, he clasps his hands around mine. "Please take it. I think it will do you good." He stands and stuffs his hands in his pocket. "Check out the band Imagine Dragons; you might find them... soothing, I guess." He returns to Harper's side and I struggle to stand as my grief attempts to drag me down again. I side hug Raven and walk over to Monty; I grab him in a hug and whisper a thank you into his ear. I release him and turn to the shrine; hard copies of pictures were a rarity on the Ark, but it doesn't matter. Someone found an old watch and I know they meant it as a reminder of Clarke. There is a can of sad pencils and it looks as if Raven constructed a twisted metal cross. Harper lays her hand on my arm and begins to speak:

"In peace may you leave this shore. In love may you find the next. Safe passage on your travels, until our final journey to the ground. May we meet again."