Crescendo

Chapter 19

Soundtrack for this chapter:
I'll Be Home For Christmas—Michael Bublé
How Would You Feel (Paean)—Ed Sheeran
Come On Get Higher—Matt Nathanson

19

Jules

In the days following the Thanksgiving I spent with Theo and our little excursion to SMASH, I had some time to digest all of the information that was downloaded to me in such a short period of time.

I loved Theo so much, and to be made aware of the pain he'd had to carry for seven years was like a bayonet twisting over and over in my stomach. The destruction room was the first thing that came to mind to help him, and given the fact that he spent the entirety of our forty minute drive home scribbling thoughts into the notebook I gave him told me that he was finally starting to get everything out of his head that he'd locked away in it.

In addition to all of the new information I'd gained about Theo, I also walked away from that span of a few days with two fears I held brewing stronger than ever before.

The first had to do with my asshole of an ex-husband and my superb ability to have kept a massive secret from Theo for months. Something in my head told me that when Theo found out about Will, when he finally learned that I'd been concealing something from him when he'd been willing to tell me everything, he'd be done with me. In a lapse of judgment when we were sitting in his parents' living room, my idiot mouth said something along the lines of possibly not being around for much longer. I tried to cover it up, tried to come up with some reason as to why I'd say that other than the fact that I was worried Theo would hate me, but I could tell the comment threw him off, and that in turn made me feel horrible for adding to his stress.

I just needed to get down to Savannah and sign the paperwork. Once that was done, I promised myself I'd tell Theo everything. I'd play him the recordings of my phonecalls with Will if I needed to, regardless of how degrading they were. I'd do whatever I needed to prove to him that I had to wait to tell him everything because I just wasn't ready. He had to understand.

The second fear was a fear that Will and my parents and his parents had planted in me years before, one that Theo's sister reignited while we were playing with Caeden. I'm not a monster (though I was sure everyone back down in Savannah would paint me to be one); I think kids are adorable and sweet and put one in my arms and I'll give it all the love I have to give it. But I wasn't ready to bring a baby into my world. In my head, I had a clear three years before I'd even be ready to entertain the idea of considering having a baby.

My baby would have just one family: its father's. If I were to have a baby with anyone other than Will, that baby, along with me, would never be welcome in the presence of my family back home. How could I do that? How could I deny my child two sets of loving grandparents and families? It felt like an impossibility because I would never have a child with Will, which meant no matter what, my child would only get to experience half of its family.

There wasn't a question in my mind that Theo's family could provide enough love for a child between us to make up for the lack of it from my side, and there was no doubt in my mind that I would love that child with everything I had, but seeing how important family was to Theo worried me that even he may not want to bring a baby into my familial situation.

Something told me Theo wouldn't care, that he would believe that he and I could love a child more than enough to make up for the lack it would experience. I just didn't see how I could deny a child from his or her grandparents, whether it was my choice or not.

And that was just the tip of the iceberg. I knew having a child would mean that my whole life would change, that there would be someone completely dependent on me, someone I'd have to make many sacrifices for. I completely understood how selfish that sounded, but I wasn't ready to halt my career or give up the life I created for myself, one that was so new because I'd really only been on my own for little more than a year.