Diary of Dumb

Dear Amber

Dear Amber,

     I thought i still loved you and I thought you still loved me, but I was wrong. You are treating me like I'm just another burden. You are treating me just like your last "lover", if he even deserves to be called that. You barely text me when we see each other in school the only time you talk to me is when you have a problem or when we have the same class. I feel so unimportant to you. I just wish we could go back to the way we were when we were only friends. I wanted a person I could always talk to, someone who would be my best friend and more, but you dont even tell me anything anymore. I keep trying, but it keeps getting harder and harder to keep this up. I care about you and you cutting yourself hurt me, every time I saw it I almost started crying, but idk what that was for anymore. Every time I see you I just want to scream at you, I want to ask you what is wrong, I want to know you are all right but all you do is make it seem like you're avoiding me. I know its only been a week but this isn't the first time we dated, I wanted a second chance but clearly I'm not the one for you. I was truly crushed when you said we need to talk, I thought you wanted to break up. I started to shake i was nervous, but when I learned that it was something completely different I could breathe again. But now when I see your name in my contacts I go deeper into my current state of depression gets worse, every time I see you I want to lash out. I feel sick, I want to run away, I thought I saw a future for us, but I was wrong. I dont know if i should break up with you or not but this is clearly not working. I dont even know if we are even truly dating anymore. I feel like I was just the filler for when you were feeling lonely, for when you wanted to be someone else's. I feel crushed idk if I can do this anymore........i thank you for the help you have given me but it hurts me to look at you. i appreciate the time you have given me but this isn't what I want in a relationship. This is torture you are torture. I dont play hard to get but when others do I dont understand what to do, i get easily confused. All I want in a relationship is something simple but full of love, but this Relationship I have fallen out of love and idk what to tell you it hurts so much. I bet as soon as this is published all this will Change and all this is gonna turn into bullshit so idk why I even try to vent when after I say something all that is wrong just seems to disappear, and I dont meant the feelings. No, I mean stuff will go back to how they were. I hate how this happens, every time I vent it all just randomly goes back like nothing ever happened. We will be close again my opinions will change and you dont even have to read this. After writing this my anxiety is through the roof, life will change again and I'm scared. I say I have depression and this is one of the reasons why. After I say that I feel like shit and say why the world is like "Oh, that? Yeah that never really happened so you can forget about that," I hate it I still feel angry, sad, confused, hate and other things, even though all the shit has passed. I want to end it but I'm afraid of hurting myself, so I dont. I'm sorry if you do come across this, but this is all the truth, this is all I know what to do when I'm in a mood like this.

~Quinn