𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝔻𝕒𝕣𝕜𝕟𝕖𝕤𝕤 𝕋𝕙𝕒𝕥 ℂ𝕠𝕟𝕤𝕦𝕞𝕖𝕤 𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝕃𝕚𝕘𝕙𝕥 ➀

21 AMOROUS

Monica reaches her other hand out to my face and brings it down until my forehead is pressed against hers. "You're not completely lost, Sean. This isn't completely lost." And I know when she says that, she's referring to her and I.

I close my eyes as I feel more emotion well up inside of them. My hands drop to her curvy hips, pulling her to me, and I realize I just want her close to me. I never want anyone close to me, ever, but once her beautiful body is pressed flush against mine I can't help but feel better than I have in weeks.

Even though standing here with Monica makes me feel better, I can always feel the darkness. The darkness is always there. The demons from my past and, if I'm completely honest, the newer ones from the entire situation that has just transpired between us are there.

More wetness drips from my eyes as I try to fight the overwhelming feelings back. Everything I do is to avoid this, avoid feeling any of this. I can't cope with these types of things, these types of situations. I don't want to. I don't know how to.

"I shouldn't have left you like that. I didn't want to hurt you anymore, Monica and I just couldn't handle it. It's just..." I try to make sense of the inner turmoil inside of my head. "It's all so much for me to internalize. I can't. I don't know how to. I just... I don't want to hurt you anymore than I already have, Monica. I've hurt you." Because you're just like your father. The moment I think it I want to throw myself out the fucking window.

"Shh," she soothes against my lips before she presses hers into mine.

What is she doing? "No, Monica. We shouldn't. This isn't..." She shushes me again as her lips move against mine, coaxing me to kiss her back. "Mon, I'm no good for..." Regardless of my words, my warnings, she kisses me passionately, ending whatever it is I was going to say.

I'm dangerous, no good. I'm not right for her. Those were the ones I was going to say. But even though the words play in my head and make me pause momentarily, I can't help but kiss her back hungrily in the end. My lips taste hers like a starving man tasting his very first meal after a lifetime of hunger. I just want to savor her, savor this, whatever this is.

"Monica, I should've been with you." I can hear the brokenness in my own voice. "I should've..." I don't know what I want to say, I'm just lost.

Monica's hands begin to push my shirt up and as she does her hands glide over my abdomen with soft, tender caresses. She's trying to comfort me and I feel like such an undeserving, tainted, piece of shit. In all of my cracks and crevices, internal and otherwise, is the black tar of my horrid past making me the dreadful man I am. Here she is, caressing the brokenness, caressing me.

"I don't deserve you," the words fall from my lips in a whisper. She doesn't say anything as she places kisses on my chest and continuously touches my body underneath my shirt. "I'm no good for you, sweetheart." I kiss the top of her hair, breathing her in. "I'm no good. I'm not worth it."

"Sean," she whispers into my chest as she looks up to me, "you're worth it to me. You'll always been worth it to me."

And I'll never understand why.

"Monica..." I say her name hesitantly, like a warning, as I feel her hands at my belt. As much as I want this, I've been wanting this, I don't want to cause any more turmoil in her life.

She doesn't hesitate from my warning though. Instead, Monica reaches inside of my pants and begins stroking me. I let out a noise between a groan and I sigh of relief as she pumps me in her hand. Fuck. She always feels so fucking good.