𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝔻𝕒𝕣𝕜𝕟𝕖𝕤𝕤 𝕋𝕙𝕒𝕥 ℂ𝕠𝕟𝕤𝕦𝕞𝕖𝕤 𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝕃𝕚𝕘𝕙𝕥 ➀

33 IMPLODE

As Monica drives the two of us home my high slowly, but surely, wears off. I hate the anxious and irritated feeling I get every time this process happens. There's this sensation as well that comes with it, it's like an itch, it's like there's things slowly crawling beneath my skin.

Like fucking fire ants.

I just want to stay up. I want to stay on that level of consciousness or rather the lack of consciousness and not experience the crash that inevitably happens. The one that is about to hit and hit hard.

Like a fucking freight train.

The lows are the fucking worst and it's been so long since I've felt them, since I've felt this. I hate this. I hate the way the self-loathing flows through my veins the moment the toxins leave. The need to make it stop makes me a completely narcissistic fucking asshole.

My hands are shaking. I'm sweating. I'm beginning to feel nauseous. Im honestly just one big fucking mess right about now. A mess. That's just me in a giant fucking nutshell; literally.

"Sean?" Monica's voice calls to me through the sound of the music playing in the cab of the truck but I don't say anything in return, I just focus on the song. "Babe, are you okay?"

"Fine." I manage to mumble out even though I feel anything but fine.

My heart has stopped racing but my head is starting to spin. My world feels like it's on an uncontrollable tilting axis. I close my eyes, run my hands over my face and try to regain some type control of myself.

Being with Monica has helped me stop using. Well, not entirely but somewhat. Right now, I was starting to sense that may not be such a good thing when piling everything on top of each other in extreme excess and doing so all in one night. The affects feel so much more intense and it's utterly bitter fucking sweet.

"Sean?" Monica's voice says once she parks the truck. "You're freaking me out, babe."

"For fuck's sake, Monica. I said I'm fucking fine." It comes out angrier and much louder than I had intended it to but I just want to be left alone right now.

"You don't need to be a dick." She grits out.

Don't need to be a dick?

I open my eyes, finally regaining control of my vision, then gaze over at her. She looks angry, giving me that look again. My irritation factor is already ramped up so anything extra from her is just pissing me off because I'm diving head first into that god damn low.

Fuck this. I don't need to deal with this.

I reach into my pocket, remembering the substance I have inside of it. How I'd forgotten it was there up until this point is beyond me. I could seriously use a pick me up right about now. I can't take this low, not with Monica looking at me like that, not feeling like such a complete piece of shit. I don't even look at her as I do a quick bump but I can feel her eyes burning holes into my skull.

"Are you fucking serious right now?" Her voice is incredulous before she snatches the bag away from.

"Monica, what the fu-..." I choke on my words because before I can snatch the bag back she's already dumped its contents out.

My face goes numb but there's a white-hot anger I can feel boiling beneath the surface. No, numb is quite the opposite of what I'm feeling in regards to this situation. "You are fucking kidding, right? You just dumped that much shit onto the ground without a fucking second thought."

"Yup." She says with a shrug like it's just no big deal.

"That was mine, Monica. That was not yours. You don't take my shit and throw it away."