What A Lie Looks Like | ✓

2.29: sephine

My eyes snap open, and I'm taking deep breaths that cause stabbing pain to spike in my chest. "Fuck," I breathe out quietly, looking around my surroundings. Everything hurts.

I look at the clock mounted on the wall, and it reads nine eighteen p.m. I've been out for almost ten hours, considering I went into surgery at noon for the D&C. With the other injuries I'd suffered, it was unlikely that I'd have a natural miscarriage, and it was too dangerous not to do anything else. I'm in a different room that's much nicer than the last one. My guess would be that Hayes pulled some strings to move me to a private room.

Hayes is fast asleep with his head resting on the bed, mere inches away from my hand.

The door opens and a nurse from this morning steps into the room. It's not hard to guess that Hayes is asleep, and thankfully she's quiet when she talks, "Hey hun, how are you feeling?"

My hand subconsciously brushes over my stomach, and then I remind myself that there's nothing there.

It isn't there anymore.

My hand falls back at my side, and I wince feeling more pain, "Not great."

She's holding a small cup along with water and a straw, "I have some more ibuprofen for you." She holds the cup with the pills to my mouth, and I open it before accepting the water that's then offered to me. "Your parents got here an hour ago, but no one wanted to wake you since you were resting. The next few days will be the hardest with the fluctuation of hormones you'll experience."

"Okay," I whisper, not sure what I'm supposed to say. I want to see my parents, but I also want Hayes to get some rest. It's been hell the past twenty-four hours for me, and I can't even imagine what it's been like for him. "C-Can you tell them I'm still asleep? I don't want to wake him yet."

The nurse nods, understanding, "I'll tell them."

And then she exits just as quickly as she entered.

I feel the tears slipping down my cheeks as I think about the sonogram I got during my appointment two days ago, sitting at home hidden in the same drawer that the pregnancy tests are in. I heard it's heartbeat. And I couldn't save it from Sascha. I raise my hand to cover my mouth so that Hayes isn't woken up by the sound of me crying.

How could I do this to him? I shouldn't have given Louis the night off because if I'd gotten in the car afterward, I'd still be pregnant, and I would have gotten to see the look on his face when I told him. And now we don't get that. I don't get that.

I only knew for a week, but I already loved it, and I couldn't wait to meet it.

I wanted to find out who it would take after; me or Hayes. I wanted it to have his dimple, his eyes, his smile. I wanted the little girl that Hayes and I talked about a few times before I knew I was pregnant.

I wanted it.

The pain is excruciating, and I know I could make it all go away, but I can't. I can't resort to that.

I just can't stop crying, and it feels like I never will. All the what-ifs are pouring through my head, and I can't stop them.

Hayes's head moves on the bed, and I clamp my hand tighter, trying to hold my breath, so he doesn't wake up. It's too late, I realize, as his head lifts, and he tries to focus his blue eyes on me through the blinking of his long eyelashes. And then I see everything crash over him again. I can't help it as a sob escapes from me.

"I'm sorry, I c-can't stop," I manage to get the words out as my chest squeezes painfully.

"Seph, you don't have to apologize. It's not your fault." He insists, sitting up completely awake now.