Pained

Chapter 2

Catherine's Point Of View

I woke up earlier than usual today. I know I wasn't supposed to, but I couldn't help myself. I needed air. I felt like I was being suffocated. I couldn't leave without Mother noticing, so I settled for slightly opening a window, and sitting by it. A cold rush of air flew in ever so slightly. I let down my hair. I was so nervous about the Choosing Ceremony. I didn't know what to choose. I knew the Abnegation, but could I handle being with my mother.

"Catherine Bennet, what are you thinking? You are an Abnegation. You have to be. You have to stay here. You have a life here. You are being Selfish. You are marrying Tobias next week. That is what you are meant to do. You have to." I told myself as tears ran down my face. Why can't I marry Tobias? I love him, but I can't get myself to see us married. He's broken. Like me. And broken people aren't supposed to be happy.

I heard footsteps upstairs, and I wiped my tears. Mother. I had to get to my room before she finds out that I was awake. I ran as quietly as I could. She was still in her room. I ran to mine, and opened the door. She wasn't there. I exhaled in relief, but hurried to my bed. I closed my eyes, and heard her go down the stairs. She must be making breakfast. "That's my queue," I said to myself and got out of bed. "She has to do my hair," I reminded myself as I changed my clothes. When I was ready, I opened the door and found her standing there. I looked down and followed her. My eyes never left the ground when she started doing my hair.

"Have you said your reminders today?" She asked me after awhile.

"Yes, Mother." I lied. I didn't want to say them. Her hands grabbed my shoulder and spun me around.

"Don't lie to me. Just because you are sixteen, does not mean you are allowed to lie to me. Understood?" She exclaimed. My eyes never left the ground. I didn't dare look her in the eyes.

"Yes, Mother. I'm sorry for lying to you. I'll say my reminders now." As if on queue, Mother spun me back towards the mirror. However, she stood there waiting for me to start.

"I am weak," I started saying my reminders like I have since I was a child. "I am dumb. I am selfish. I am a liar. I am ugly. I do not deserve happiness. I am the reason Father died. I am evil." I repeated those phrases over and over. I said them until they became a part of my being. Mother stepped back, and hid the mirror.

"That will do," she said before turning. A part of me wanted to scream out, "I am not those things." But it was silenced by the chanting of my reminders. She was right. I am those things.

As I walked to find my place, I bumped into Tobias. "Hey," he said. I saw something in his eyes. I could always read him better than anyone else. He felt sadness. I knew why he felt it.

"You aren't choosing Abnegation, are you?" He looked almost startled, and then a hint of a smile. He knew how I knew.

"I can't, you know that. I'm sorry," he said.

"You don't have to apologise, I umderstand." This was his chance to redeem himself. His chance to escape his Father, and I couldn't have him feeling sorry.

I continued, "I'm with you no matter what." I tugged his arm and sat in my place.

My mind went numb as the Ceremony began. All I could think of was Tobias. I want him to be happy, but I didn't want to be in a different faction. "Eaton, Tobias." I heard his name, which snapped me out of my bubble. I sat attentively, and sighed in relief when he bled on the lit coals. I heard a few gasps around me. I would have smiled if it were allowed. Then a wave of sadness hit me. I had to choose. My mind started spinning, and shouting.

I heard my name. "Bennet, Catherine." I swallowed hard. As I started walking everything in me was shouting to follow him, and then a voice silenced them. It was Mother's. I would have sworn it was real, if the room wasn't silenced.

"You are too weak."

Then as if practiced, I started stating my reminders. But when I was handed the knife, I felt something inside of me change. Something awakening, a terrifying power that I kept locked up inside me.

Strength.

I was blinded by it, the sudden rush that coursed through me. Succumbing to instinct, I slice through my hand. Accepting the pain, as I watched blood meet lit coals. And with every drop, strength's grip tightened around me.