Cupcakes at Midnight

Chapter 14

Mom and I have ice cream and go to bed. I lie there, sleepless, thinking about all the directions my life could have turned. How would I have reacted if they'd sent me to rehab? Probably not well. I remember being so angry at everyone -- furious, righteous anger, with no basis in reality or fact.

I pick up my phone to text Ava, and that reminds me that I never read the note she included. WIthout disturbing Cat, I hop out of bed and make my way to the kitchen. I take a moment to touch the flowers and greenery, wondering where she even found someplace to get a bouquet like this on a Sunday afternoon.

The flower petals feel like silk between my fingertips and I think of her and the way her body reacts and responds.

Instead of getting too distracted, I open the envelope and look at the card. It's a generic thank you card, with lots of handwriting inside. My thumb slides over the slight indent in the paper that her pen left, wishing it was the palm of her hand instead.

She's written about a lot of the things I remember struggling with. Her identity. Her wholeness. Her sense of safety and self. She's written "thank you" and "I'm sorry" in equal measure, and I can almost hear her saying them to me in the middle of the frantic trying to explain and understand.

The reality is, no one has any of the answers, and no one can give them to you, even if they did. It's not something you can explain or fix. Terrible people sometimes do terrible things, to good people. No one deserves any of it, and the recovery from it can take a lifetime.

I close the card and take it with me as I walk slowly back to my room, trying to think of the right things to say to her. It's the middle of the night, so there's no time crunch; I can compose the message and send it, knowing that I won't hear back from her for a bit.

My brain works back and forth, writing and deleting, until I finally get what I think is a mostly okay version of the message.

Thank you for the beautiful flowers. They remind me of you. You didn't need to do that, but I appreciate that you did. When you're ready to know more about why I'm so understanding, I'm ready to talk about it. But please know that you don't ever have to know, you've got so much on your plate right now. I'm here for you. xo

I don't mention meeting my mom because that just feels like an unnecessary complication for now.

When I finally close my eyes and sleep, it's better rest than I've had recently. I wake up too early, but I'm ready to tackle the day. I leave half a pot of coffee for Mom and make my way to work. Ivy is in her usual spot in the parking lot, and I want to kiss her when I see my cup.

"You're the best, you know that?"

"I do," she says, handing over my cup with a curtsey. "You okay?"

"Yeah. I just needed to take care of some stuff. My mom's in town..."

"Carol? Oh, that's amazing. You know how much I love Carol. When can we have dinner?"

I laugh, shaking my head. "I dunno, when do you want to have dinner?"

"Let me talk to Matt and get back to you. He'll want to be there for sure, although it would be nice to have a girl's night."

"Maybe we can do both? I'm not sure how long Mom will be here."

"You spoil me," Ivy says, practically giddy. "Let's do that if we can."

We enter the building and the vibe is different already.

"What's going on?" I whisper as we walk to our zone.