Diary of an Autistic Boy

Grief (And How I Deal With It)

Obligatory WARNING this part may be upsetting to some readers.

I am going to start out by saying everyone's experiences of all emotions are different and I, somewhat literally, learnt some emotions via googling them.

I am fortunate to only have suffer from grief only 4 times in my lifetime, however each of them hits harder than the one before.

The first time I was I think 7 or 8. It was when my great grandma on my mums' dads' side. We were all very close to her and although it was expected (she was 96 I think) still hurt everyone as she was everyone's constant in the family. It was very confusing for me because I was so young I was very much of the attitude of 'yeah it was going to happen whatever' to begin with. It even came to the point when I left the room all my family where in to go on my DS if it was any other news. I know to some this is a form of denial however for me in my young age it was fact. I was someone (and still am to a point) that dealt on facts. The sky is blue: FACT. I like games: FACT. I was called Matthew-Luke: FACT. For example. This both helped and hindered my grieving process as I accepted that it had happened but did not realise what it meant. This made it so that even at the funeral I felt I was extremely absent and quite cold to all of the family members and friends there.

It was also confusing as I never really accepted the finality of death. Which at a young age was especially difficult to comprehend. It also led me to become quite reclusive at school which led me up until my late primary school life to be quite a lonely character. I wouldn't speak at school unless I was asking a question to someone or explaining something to someone. I only really had 1 person that I talked to who was also quite a quiet person.

The second time I dealt with death and the grief that follows was I was 12 when my dog that had been a part of the family since before I was born had to be put down. She had a tumor in her stomach that in the end spread to the rest of her body over the course of the year that we had before she died. This was hard but because we had the time to prepare and the fact that towards the end of her life she would pretty much sleep and only come down for food and the bathroom it was a lot easier as we had fallen into a pattern of life semi without her. This one still hurt though as I chose to be there when she was and although it was difficult it was the right thing for me to do as she was in such a continuous amount of pain she was barely functional and I was able to see and be a part of her last few minutes. This was hard in its own way as there was a space of about 18 months between the beginning of her decline and the time we got our next dog Lilly (a border collie for anyone interested) where I was unable to take a dog on a walk and just do the everyday mundane tasks that you take for granted when you have to do them like letting them out or feeding them or them jumping up on you. However, I managed to get through it as I was able to focus on the good times that I had with her and the times where I was able to do them things.

The 3rd that I dealt with grief was when my great uncle died. You may have seen this in my other book, diary of autistic boy. This was by far the most shocking and the hardest hitting death I have so far had to deal with. This is because I was extremely close to him and although I may not have seen him as much whenever there was a family get together I would always talk to him and he would always manage to make time to talk to me as well. It was an extremely shocking death as he was still relatively young and quite healthy. He died of a heart attack in his care before going out in his car. It was something he did most days and it wasn't until my great auntie realised that he had been gone longer than usual that she went out to look for him and found him in his car. This hurt me a lot and I remember snapping at my sisters because I felt they were being extremely unsupportive and insensitive. This was probably the most normal way that I dealt with the grief as I was extremely upset and started crying and ended up having a meltdown due to it. This was the hardest for me personally as it was someone I was close with and someone that I had never thought would. Thinking about him still makes me very upset.

I can't remember whether this one was before or after the previous one so I will put it at the end. This was when my great nana on my mums' side died. She was old when she died and it was expected however it still hurt. I would say that this was probably on the same scale at the time as when my other great grandma died. This is because I had known that it was probably going to happen. I know that that may sound insensitive but any time that I had seen her she was extremely Ill and ready. This was difficult in its own ways as my mum was extremely close to her and it hit her hard and I had to help more around the house and help more generally.

I am sorry that has taken a while however due to the topic I spent a little longer proof reading it and making sure it was suitable.

I originally began writing this for my best friend as she is going through a really hard patch with her dog having been diagnosed with bone cancer and since been put down and I hope you can keep her in your prayers or just help in any way you can.

Again, sorry for the long delay however I hope you can understand with the content of the chapter that writing and proof reading was quite difficult. I hope to be back to my regular update schedule from now on so see you Monday.

IF ANYONE HAS ANY IDEAS OR TITLES FOR SHORT STORIES I WOULD BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO WRITE SOME TOPICS/GENRES I AM INTERESTED IN ARE:

HISTORY (GENERAL)

ANCIENT MEDITERRANEAN

HISTORY (GREEKS ROMANS EGYPTIANS)

DYSTOPIA

HISTORICALLY ACCURATE STORIES (ANY TIME PERIOD AND WILL DO RESEARCH AS REQUIRED)

I AM ALSO WILLING TO TRY ANY OTHER TYPE OF STORY HOWEVER SO JUST ASK AWAY IN THE COMMENTS. 

This was origionally written for my other book/project mind dump of an autistic person