Turn Your Face

Blue Ain't Your Color

The first thing that I could remember were their arms around me. Not around me in a comforting way on my waist, but sharply as though I was making a mistake. Their grip was unmistakable, and I quickly realized it was because every instinct in my body was telling me to run.

"Come on, Em, keep walking. We're almost there." Spencer whispered into my left ear. Though her words were caring, her tone was filled with exhaustion from the previous few days.

The second thing I remembered was the pungent smell of flowers. Not the scent of an overpowering perfume or bouquet you'd receive on an anniversary, but an odor that hit you and stayed with you from the moment you walked through the door. It was so intense that I had no choice but to finally open my eyes. Blurriness still filling my vision from the tears streaming down.

"Okay, Emily. We're almost to the end of the aisle. We're going to turn left, okay?" Hanna spoke with a dullness that let me know she was suffering as well. The sniff at the end of the statement was undeniable and made it clear to me that her suffering stemmed from my own.

The third thing I remembered was the sudden realization that Alison was not by my side. I searched my brain for the voices I had heard just moments earlier, etching the tones back through my head until I was able to confirm Hanna and Spencer's voices once more. As soon as my back hit the pew, I snapped my head to the left only to see Aria sitting with a tissue in hand. Panic hit my heart instantaneously.

"Hey, hey, hey. What's wrong, Em?" Hanna reached over to place her hand on my leg.

How was it possible that she wasn't here? The pit in my stomach grew immeasurably. Was this payback for me not being there at her mother's funeral? What did I tell her yesterday? Every conversation from the past week swirled through my head as I tried to find the words for Hanna.

"Why isn't Ali here? What did I do?" I gasped through my tears, my whimpers growing into sobs.

"Woah, calm down. She's right there. Remember?" Hanna consoled me, wrapping her arm around my shoulders as she pointed towards the back of the church.

The fourth thing I remembered was the look on Alison's face. Her eyes met mine, and from where I was, I could see the quiver in her chin. She glanced to her right where she was ushering my mother down the aisle of the church. My mom with a thin black veil covering her face as Alison coached her to the same area we were seated in.

"Okay, Pam, we're going to sit right here. Emily will be right next to you, and if you need anything, I'll be on her other side. Okay?" Alison reassured her as though she was the only thing guiding my mother through the day.

She handed my mother the purse she had been carrying in her left hand, opening it to give her the pack of tissues she had prepared. She shuffled to the side until she was on my left, scooting Hanna, Spencer, and Aria down the pew as well.

"Hey there, beautiful." She remarked solemnly as she held the side of my head while it collapsed into her shoulder. I heaved in sorrow as she continued to whisper, "It's okay, love bug. This is the hardest part, okay? I'm right here. Here, take my hand. It's okay. It's okay." After a few moments, I raised my head off of her shoulder leaving an opening for her to lean over and kiss my cheek lightly.

The fifth thing I remembered was that I had no idea how I had gotten to this point. I couldn't recollect the moments in my life that led me to this church. Was I still in Chicago? No, my friends and family were here. When had Ali and I arrived back home? Yesterday? Last week? How much time had passed between the last memory that remained and this one? What was my last memory? The phone call, right?

"Take a deep breath, Emily. Here we go." Alison squeezed my hand as the proceedings began and my mind reeled towards anything else I could remember. Towards the last thing I could remember. The phone call.