Turn Your Face

Nothing Breaks Like A Heart

A/N: Thank you all for all of the support on this story and all the stories I post. It really speaks to how universal and empowering these characters are. I appreciate you all tremendously for going on this ride with me. It is truly a blessing to have this community be a part of my life.

Heads up that this chapter has a different set-up. I believe that you all are intelligent enough to figure it out, but just wanted to give you the forewarning that his chapter isn't strictly present, past, present. :)

---

There was something terrifying about walking into Dr. Ives' office alone. I paced outside her door for minutes before I toned down the shaking from my anxiety enough to knock on the door. I adjusted the bottom of my shirt patting down the front of it to look more presentable. Being here without Alison should have given me a little more stability, not having to worry about what I was saying being too much or too little for her. But instead, it had sent me into a spiral of not being enough on my own. At the end of our last appointment, Dr. Ives had mentioned that psychodynamic therapy in this setting would require Alison and me to each have an individual appointment before having a couples session again. This pattern would continue for a few weeks so that she could get an in-depth look at how we worked for the benefit and detriment of each other. To make it convenient, Alison and I had decided to go back to back. I made the courageous decision to go first to further display my commitment to this process despite how terrifying it was.

"One minute and 42 seconds" she stated with finality as she opened the door.

I stood frozen in the doorway puzzled about her commentary. Was she timing how late I was? I'd need to text Alison to sprint up to the office so that she wouldn't be chastised as well.

"That's how long I've watched your shadow through the bottom of my door — pacing, back and forth. I don't have time to wait for you to find the courage. Come in. Let's chat." She smiled, placing her hand on the small of my back to welcome me inside.

What a power move. A subtle way for her to assert authority, but also let me know that my every move was being watched. This bitch didn't miss a damn thing. I didn't know if I should feel fortunate that we found someone who wouldn't take my bullshit, or terrified that she had figured me out after one 60-minute session.

I exhaled as I sat on the couch. I crossed my legs but opened my upper body extending my arms across the back of the sofa. Ready and determined to make it through this session in one piece.

"No response to my criticism? Okay." Dr. Ives was opening another plain manila folder, my name already written in cursive on the top right. Emily Fields.

I looked directly at her as I spoke for the first time today, "I'm sorry for not showing a reaction? I didn't take it as criticism. It was a fact. I'm okay with that."

She nodded as she wrote, "We'll get back to what I wrote. How did speaking to your mom go?"

I laughed in response, already hesitant.

"That well?" she asked, smiling sarcastically, "I know that when you guys were here last, you hadn't decided if Alison was going to go with you to speak to her or not. What did you both decide?"

"She came with me, thank God." I sighed, smiling as I looked back on the memory, "I know that last time and I'm sure in sessions to come you're going to give Alison a hard time about things. Could you hold off on your 'criticisms'? I deserve them. Alison deserves none of it. She's the best person I know, and I can only assume that if we continued these sessions until the end of time, she'd be one of the best people you knew too."

"It's very noble that you want to spare Alison. Gives me quite a bit of insight on your addiction without you probably even recognizing it. But no, I can't hold off for her sake; this is to make you both better, Emily. So how long did you keep your addiction from her?"