Turn Your Face

La Di Da

All I could do is start from the beginning. I had to drop the façade, end the lies, and the fucked up reality I had been living for the past month. I had to tell her everything.

"Ali, the thing is..."

As I opened my mouth to begin, the doorbell rang. Alison stood up, looking over her shoulder before letting Hanna inside.

"Hey Al," Hanna walked in bringing her arms tightly around Alison's shoulders, "Um... this is what I found at her place." Hanna peered over at me as she handed Alison the other bottle of pills I had at my parent's. Her eyes appeared worn, but she glared at me without remorse for telling Alison. Why should she? I was the problem.

"Han, can you make sure that this gets destroyed?" She asked, passing the bottle back before Alison walked into the living room with her arms crossed tightly around her chest, "I invited Hanna here to back up whatever you say and to hold both of us accountable during this conversation."

Hanna waved shyly behind Alison as though she was silently announcing her presence. They both walked around separate ends of the couch to face me. Them obviously on one side of this scenario, me on the other.

"Go ahead," Alison said flatly in my direction while reaching out to Hanna to squeeze her hand.

"Okay. Ali, the thing is that I don't have a good excuse and none of what I say will make it okay. I don't even deserve you sitting here listening to me right now."

"Oh, quit with the sob story Emily," Hanna interjected, "You don't get to act like a raging bitch an hour ago and then, now that you're caught, cower in a damn corner."

"I don't feel okay about this, Hanna! I don't know what to say. I just know that she doesn't have to be sitting here right now and she is!"

"Because I never got the chance last time!" she pointed at me with fury beneath her fist. "She was taken from me before I ever had a chance."

Her anger had been harbored for years and the two women she loved most had been caught in the crossfire. Realizing the venom that she was speaking to me with, she put her face in her hands to continue, "And Emily, I can't lose you too. Not to this. Not with pills. I can't watch you wither before my eyes."

I attempted to interrupt, putting my finger in the air, opening my mouth, and beginning to utter Alison's name.

Instead, Alison continued speaking right through me, "God, I am so dumb! How did I not see this?" she began pacing back and forth, "The sweating. The shaking in the mornings. Sleeping all day long. I am such an idiot! And I ignored all of your shitty behavior because I figured that there was no way you could abuse pills after seeing what I went through when my mom died. Jesus Christ, Emily, you were there with me! You saw my mom hooked up to those fucking machines and yet, you thought this was a good idea?"

"Alison, you need to take a breath." Hanna spoke, attempting to stop Alison from hyperventilating, "Come sit, please." Though Alison listened to Hanna, it was apparent that she had more to say. "Okay, Em. Try again."

"I'm gonna start by going back. Okay, Al?" I gazed in Alison's direction, only to see her shudder at my use of her name, "You remember in the hospital the night I tore my shoulder, and the doctor mentioned OxyContin, and you couldn't even stay in the room?" She nodded. "Well, I told the nurse that I needed something else, and she very confidently told me that she had an alternative and just handed me the prescription. But that's literally how it started. I didn't know what I was taking. I had no idea what it would do to me and my pain, babe. And yes, it's an excuse, but I really didn't see how it was affecting me back then because I was taking it correctly before the surgery. I only took the Vicodin when I was in pain, and yeah, I noticed that it made me feel good. But Ali, I honestly thought that it was just masking my shoulder pain. I didn't get it. But then Hanna came to visit..." I looked over at her to continue.