Turn Your Face

Expectations

Darkness had become the most comfortable time for me over the past few weeks because it was predictable while being awake with Emily was not.

Friday night, after flinching at the slightest touch from Hanna, Emily sauntered downstairs in a hoodie to curl up in my arms. Yes, the world stopped when I saw her, as it tended to do anytime she was out of my line of sight for an extended length of time, but something was off. She apologized for slighting Hanna after mentioning her dad at dinner and claimed that to fix her mood she needed to be more 'comfortable'. Plausible in theory, but curled into my chest with my right hand tucked under the crook of her legs and my left hand cradling her back, I felt her bra still on. For most people, this fact could be swept by the wayside. But for a collegiate swimmer, who spent more time in a swimsuit than regular clothes, keeping her bra on to be 'comfortable' was farfetched, to say the least. Who was I to judge her though? Days after the death of her dad and moments after being reminded of his passing yet again wasn't the time, and in front of all of her friends was not the place. So, I let it pass.

---

The following Thursday, after moving ourselves back into my home and finally waking up after talking until late into the night, she leaned over to kiss me. Her palm found my inner thigh before I had fully even reciprocated the kiss, her fingers tightening around the bottom, thicker portion of my leg. I gasped into her mouth, feeling the coolness of her touch against my skin, before grabbing the excess fabric of her baggy tee as tightly as I could to pull her closer to me. Emily and I hadn't slept together since the night before her dad passed away, and by that I mean Emily hadn't initiated sex since the night before her dad passed away. Of course, I would never expect anything, but I definitely hadn't expected this on a random Thursday morning. My hand slid down to the curve in her waist so my thumb could trace her abs. As Emily's right hand continued swirling up and down my thigh, her left made its way underneath my sports bra, sending my back arching up toward her. I sucked on her lower lip as she pulled away, smiling as she moved her way down to my neck. Aching for more from the weeks without her, I trailed my hands down to the elastic of her boy shorts and began wiggling them down her toned, tan legs.

"What are you doing?" she asked, positioning one hand on the side of my shoulder to prop herself up above me, while the other readjusted her underwear.

I tilted my head to the side, confused, "Well, I thought I was about to shag my girlfriend!"

She sighed exasperatedly, pushing herself onto her side of the bed, before rolling off to walk toward the restroom, the door closing shut before I could even process what had just occurred.

"Guess not!" I yelled, curling the sheets back up around my neck.

It was wrong of me to think anything was going anywhere. I felt like I was reading the signs right though: the touch of the thigh, the hunger behind the force of her lips, the rush of ecstasy from the way she sucked on my neck. But maybe the signs were different now, and maybe we were going to have to relearn each other again like we did when we first got back together. I knew how deeply I loved her and how deeply she loved me. When looking at it that way, being rejected so quickly after his passing wasn't the end of the world. So, I let it pass.

---

Darkness, though, provided solace. It was 8 uninterrupted hours of being able to listen and appreciate the silence. On my right, Emily could lie peacefully, not being haunted by the things of her past and the potential of what may arise the next day. Though it typically took a long time for her to fall asleep, it had allowed me to perfect my back massages and expert whisper singing. She needed me right by her side to take a breath deep enough to calm down her racing heart. One night she even started calling out my name worried that I had left when I just ran to the restroom. So, most nights I didn't even try to get up. I would just wait for her eyes to fall heavy and her lips to barely part so that I could roll over, cuddle into her chest, and fall asleep myself.