𝐒𝐏𝐔𝐑𝐈𝐎𝐔𝐒 - ★彡[ᴀʟʜᴀɪᴛʜᴀᴍ]彡★

𝟏𝟖 - 𝐃𝐄𝐀𝐑 𝐌𝐎𝐌,

*Trigger warning for trauma, depression, suicidal ideations, and feelings of social isolation

I thought I was doing well. I had worked with my therapist to get over my mental health and trauma from my childhood, and I felt like I could move forward. I moved out of home, got a new job, and accepted any opportunity that came my way. I felt like things were turning around for me, that everything would get better.

But then, all because of a few words that you said to me, you ruined everything. My stability came shattering down as my trauma came back to haunt me, the thing I had worked so hard to diminish came swarming back. I don't want this.

I had no one to turn to. I realized that. My friends were all surface level, and I constantly worried that they always hated me. I went through my whole entire school life with the constant fear of social isolation, warping my perception of others and, in turn, myself. As a child, my mother and father had a poor relationship. There was constant fighting that echoed through the thin walls, and I, as a child, simply curled up all alone. I was empty, and my room was suffocating. The walls were creeping in on me, slowly clinging to my skin and tearing it off bit by bit until I was nothing but a fragile shell of my former self.

It's all your fault—all because you couldn't parent me correctly. I hate you, and I wouldn't care if you died. But I'm not supposed to say that, right? Of course I would be sad if you died. You're my mother, after all. You're the one who ruined my life, the 'mother' who came to me with her problems like a screaming child.

How am I supposed to view you as a reliable figure?

Even as I sit in the hospital, writing this letter, I know that once I finish it I will immediately dispose of it. After all, if I sent it you would end up victimizing yourself and ostracizing me even more so than you already have.

I feel like whenever I start to feel just the tiniest bit better about myself, you manage to say or do something that ruins my self esteem. If you begin to change and I start to believe our relationship could be anything at all, then you will immediately crush my hopes.

I know you've been through a lot and I know it's really hard. But as a child, it isn't my job to take care of you. If you want me to confide in you as a parental figure, then you need to start acting like one. If you hear anything that has to do with what happened in the past, you will immediately crawl to me crying or throwing insults at me as a coping mechanism. I moved out to give you some space, but it seems like even now you keep dragging me back into the past with vile and insensitive words.

My biggest fear is isolation. I'm afraid of being alone, afraid of others hating me, afraid of being left behind.

But in this world where I have no one, maybe it's best for me to cling to fantasies.

Otomes. What seems like a pathetic and degenerate hobby from the outside has a much deeper meaning for me. I crave the feeling of someone wanting my attention, someone's love that was made only for me, a person that would willingly sacrifice anything and everything for me.

People like that don't exist in real life, as for everyone and anyone, I will always be the second choice.

I'm the type of person that looks up tutorials for the otome routes, purely because if I get rejected by the male lead of my choosing it reminds me of the rejection I've experienced throughout my whole life and causes me to spiral. So in a way, this indulgence has become detrimental to me as well.

Because of you, I lack a sense of identity.

I feel lonely, miserable, and depressed, yet I have no one to go to. There isn't a single person in the world who would support me unconditionally without superficial or underhanded moments. I despise those who try to play up their mental illness for profit.
Does this seem enjoyable? Does the feeling of not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to wake up the next morning, constant wishing for the world to simply end feel like something that I asked for?

I'm a very envious person. I long to be a certain person, thinking that 'if only I was more like them' constantly and imagining a simulation in which I was. Sometimes I even dream about a perfect life where I don't have any problems, only to wake up in a cold and empty bedroom.
I don't show my depressive symptoms in my behavior, commonly ignoring them and only allowing them to show up in my dreams. This is why Alhaitham was incredibly shocked at me falling to pieces on the phone.

Maybe it was just because I hadn't been in contact with you, but I felt like ever since I had moved in with him I could be a little more free. He didn't seem to judge me or hold anything against me, and if anything he was honest to a fault.

I just want someone to love me. If only there was someone out there who would care for me. It's all your fault.

But it's all mine as well.

As expected, I crumpled up the sheet of paper and threw it in the trash, coming to the conclusion that in my desperate search for someone to care about me, I would take the hand of the person who showed even the tiniest bit of sympathy.

After this chapter the angst will die down, the last two were mainly to provide the different perspectives of the main characters. :) Do not fret, there will be many more fake marriage scenarios to come as well as fluff.
Hi guys! So my mental health has been progressively getting worse, and I honestly feel incredibly depressed and anxious lately. So basically, that means that I'm gonna be inconsistent with uploads. There might be two or three a week sometimes or none at all. I just don't know what to do. I am feeling very isolated lately. I'm sorry if my writing isn't living up to people's expectations, I just feel like I can't write as good as I used to. I will try my best to keep updating, due to the fact that I am the type of person that, once going on hiatus, will likely never return. :') Unlike our (y/n) here, I unfortunately don't have anyone that I can really go to lol I unfortunately just fell into the problem of prioritizing having more friends in general over valuable ones. I'm really sorry about all this, and I'm sorry if I'm disappointing people. I'll try to make a 1k special as well for Cyno, and get a few other chapters out. I'm sorry again, I hope that you can guys can stick with me during this time period. If you have any questions about anything, feel free to dm me through Wattpad or discord. For those of you in the NA Genshin servers, if you want to add me my UID is 608976088  - I have a few friend slots open since the increase. <3, Wasabi