Blooming Rose in the Dusky Night

Chapter Ten

Chapter Ten

Bargain

"Your father ran away from home and eloped with your mother when he was sixteen."

My chest felt tight. I'm always sensitive about this topic. Kapag ang mga magulang ko na ang pinag-uusapan, mas gusto kong makipagharutan sa mga baboy ko. Nasasaktan ako kaya ayaw kong makinig.

Hindi ko inalis ang tingin sa litratong hawak. My parents looked so in love the photo. My father was hugging my Mom from behind like he had the whole world on his arms. Hindi ko na naabutan na ganito sila isa't isa. Ang naalala ko noon, palagi silang nag-aaway at nagsisigawan. My Mom was a battered wife and I was a battered daughter. Sinasaktan at binubugbog kaming dalawa ni Mommy, lulong man sa alak o hindi si Dad.

"Your mother was fourteen..."

Ganoon sila kabata nagsama at hindi parehong handa. Puso ang pinairal at hindi ang isip kaya hindi na ako nagtataka kung bakit sila humantong sa ganoong klaseng relasyon.

Inalis ko ang tingin sa litrato at itinuon kay Lolo na nakatayo sa harapan ko.

"Why?"

"Hmm?"

"Why did Dad run away from home?"

Tumikhim ito at ikinubli sa likuran ang nangungunot na nitong mga kamay.

"I was bad at parenting." Lolo's mouth set in a hard line. "I was just financially stable when I had your Dad but not emotionally stable."

I peered at my grandfather with pursed lips. I never repeated a word. I just waited for him to continue.

Malayo ang tingin nito. Nasa labas ng kwarto ng balkonahe ng kinaroroonan namin. The room is twice smaller than my room at the Elizondo's mansion but quite large for a typical single-spacer room. Parang closet ko lang doon pero kompleto sa gamit.

I see a desktop, flat screen television and a walk-in cabinet. Kung dinala ko ang mga damit ko siguradong hindi magkakasya sa loob ng kwarto. My clothes and things alone is not enough for this room.

But I prefer this room moreover the former. Something in this house made it more appealing and fetching than the palace-like place of the Elizondo's.

"My wife died giving birth to your Dad. I got depressed. Your Dad reminded me so much to my late wife so to salvage myself and my heart, I shunned myself away from getting close to my son. Lumaki ang ama mo na kulang sa sapat na pagmamahal at atensyon kaya nang makilala nito ang ina mo at pakiramdam niya nahanap niya na ang pagmamahal na kailangan niya, hindi ito nagdalawang-isip na umalis."

I remained silent and passive this time. I just chose to keep my thoughts alone.

I've walked past that stage. I rebelled, but I'd never even think twice about making the same mistake. I always crave for attention and love it pero kahit kailan hindi naisip na hanapin iyon sa iba.

People have different ways of coping with pain, frustration, and sadness.

"I was so furious. Hindi ko matanggap na isinampal sa akin ng anak ko ang mga pagkukulang ko bilang ama. I let my pride dominated. Kahit sa kahuli-hulihan, hindi ako nagpaka-ama."

"You disowned him?" I asked, although I already knew the answer.

I was so young then but I am not oblivious to the kind of life we lived before. My Dad was jobless dahil sa kanilang dalawa, si Mommy ang nakatapos ng pag-aaral. Si Mommy ang may trabaho. Perhaps guilt and insecurities ate my Dad before. Hindi nito matanggap na si Mommy ang bumubuhay sa amin.

I believe that it's normal for an individual to feel insecure. It's how we take and deal with insecurities that matter. I am living proof of that claim.