All She Can Take

F O U R T E E N

 AJ slid down her hip and onto the ground when they emerged from the bus near their apartment. Her back was aching from carrying him for the second half of their trip when he got fussy. Though it would take his little feet longer to reach their building a few blocks away it was worth it to have some relief. Besides, the slow walk would give her a chance to torture herself. Obsessing over the details of her latest encounter with Aiden. It was a ritual of hers to inspect every interaction in excruciating detail. Pick apart things she saw. Things he said. He wanted to talk. Sid wondered what he could want to talk about as she walked along, matching AJ's slow pace until they reached their building.

As always with parenting though, the joke was on Sid. Suddenly, as they entered the walkway to their apartment complex AJ took off in a full run. The burst of movement caught Sid off guard and he was quite a ways ahead of her before her instincts kicked in and she ran after him. AJ thought this was a fun pursuit and took off even faster, his blanket flapping in his hand, he laughed and looked behind him to see her gaining on him. As he reached the door to their building, his curly hair bouncing in the wind, he ran full-on into Phil who managed to catch AJ's little body as he bounced off his legs and almost careened to the floor. He scooped him up instead, gave him a big whirl, and settled him back onto the ground. Sid finally reached them, out of breath, and panting like a dog.

"You got a little track star here." Phil laughed. Sid tried to catch her breath but it was useless. She was out of shape and was bent over, with her forearm pressed against the bricks.

"Are you trying to kill mommy, my sweet little boy?" Sid heaved out through gasps for air.

"Mamama!" Was all AJ shouted but Sid suspected that it was him affirming that her death was his only goal. He was trying to rid himself of the dead weight one way or another. A misplaced toy on the floor or a dart down a walkway and his underwhelming mom would be out for the count.

"That sounded like a yes," Phil said laughing. Sid threw him an alarmed look at him. Had he peeked inside her head and read her thoughts or had he just picked up on her overall shitty aura?

"No...he loves me," Sid said insecurely while holding out a hand to AJ, begging him to come toward her and show her love in public. Prove Phil wrong. But AJ just stayed near Phil, leaning against his legs and watching her struggle to breathe.

"Of course he does. You alright?"

"Yes, how's your evening going?" Sid forced her body to stand upright and held her breath to stop her chest from rising and falling so dramatically.

"Slow. The opps are circling." Phil threw his chin out toward the street where, sure enough, an unmarked car with two older white men in the front seats trying to look chill was easing by slowly. Inconspicuous, it was not.

"Sorry," Sid said awkwardly. Empathizing with a drug dealer for not being able to sell his drugs to their neighbors while her son curled against his legs. The whole thing was bizarre and she needed to get away from it. She scooped up AJ and finally allowed herself to breathe normally again. She shot Phil a smile and beelined it to the front door.

"Umm, you doing anything tonight?" He asked.

"Yes. Mothering."

"Oh, yeah. Well I'm free if you happen to become free. Like I said, I had mad fun with you before." There he was again. Just saying things. Letting them flow out of his mouth like they weren't little missiles of vulnerability that, in the wrong hands, could be used against him. To embarrass. To hurt. To betray. It was pretty stupid.

"I'll call you." Sid tossed over her shoulder before she ducked inside with AJ. The elevator, by some stroke of luck was working and empty. Once the doors clattered closed and the ascent began she crouched down to AJ.