All She Can Take

F O R T Y - F O U R

"You should have told me you didn't want it."

"I wanted it. I wanted it because I wanted you, Sid. You were my best friend." He was right in front of her now. Closer than he had been in years and it pissed her off that she wanted to fold herself into his arms and cry.

"I thought we could talk about it. Figure it out. But then your dad was killed and everything after that was so fragile. I didn't know how to bring it up again. I'm sorry I snuck around. I'm sorry I lied. I didn't know how to not hurt you. But I did hurt you," Aiden gestured toward Jamal, "and him". The memory of them almost going to blows at the Spring Dance came flooding back to her mind. The struggle that Aiden was dealing with. He did something that was best for him but would hurt someone he really cared about. If Sid couldn't empathize with that then, she certainly could now.

"I just needed something to work out the way it was supposed to." Her voice cracked and shook but she continued. Fully bringing her eyes to meet his. She saw him there again. That boy who had been by her side for all of her life. He had been changing, long before her dad died but she refused to see it. She managed to ignore him and his wants and desires for a picture of perfection. Her Dad envisioned her and Aiden together and if the world wouldn't give him life she tried to give him that dream. Her mind was back in that room with her mother when she tried to tell her what she saw and she silenced her. She had done the same to Aiden.

"Maybe we were supposed to be best friends. We were supposed to be in one another's lives, Sid. We made something beautiful." Aiden was like a hose whose knot had just been cleared. Everything he wanted to say for years poured out and Sid saw him come alive again before her. She was feeling relief too but instead of tidying up loose ends, her's felt like it left everything all over the place. What would their relationship look like now? She trained her body to hate him and her mind to make him the enemy. Can that be undone? She had no idea but she pushed forward anyway into the uncertainty.

Her eyes fell on Jamal who was trying his best to stay out of it. But he'd always been in it, she saw now.

"I'm sorry for hitting you. That's all I'm sorry for. I think what you did was shitty...it hurt me. Really badly."

"I know and I've felt terrible about it for years. I wanted to apologize and talk to you but I didn't want to jeopardize you and Aiden's relationship even more. Especially since AJ." Sid could see the tears well up in Jamal's eyes. She was taken aback. By how much emotion everyone was holding all this time and she was right at the center of it. By her not healing her own wounds she left everyone else raw too. With it all out now, the room felt larger. Like it expanded to make room for the release of years of pain. AJ shifted from his belly to his back, continuing to ignore them for his iPad.

"You can't just take him from me," Sid spoke in a whisper and seemed unsure if what she was saying was true. Couldn't he? Wasn't AJ just as much his as he was hers? And hadn't she been awful at providing for their son?

"I just want the best for him, Sid. Regardless of our fuck ups, I want the best for him."

"You think I don't?"

"I know you do. But wanting and be able to provide...those are different. You won't let me help. I can. I want to. I'm still here for you like I've always been. From the days sitting in that chicken joint until now." Aiden had stepped closer to her and spoke in a lower tone to provide a sense of privacy for them inside their little bubble. Sid looked up at him and thought about all those days in that booth looking for the man who killed her father.

"I found him." The words tumbled out of her mouth. Aiden looked at her confused for a moment but soon she watched the realization spread over his face. He stepped back and shoved one hand in the pockets on his jeans. The other raked over his face in disbelief. He started to say something but stopped and turned toward Jamal.