Lost Without You

~31~

Lucas insisted on driving me to the hospital in his large, burgundy Audi, quite unsuitable for London's congested roads. Even though I had been against the idea initially, insisting on going by bus, I had to admit that this was much more comfortable.

"Why would someone buy a car this big to move around the city?" I teased, enjoying the luxury.

"I wouldn't know." He smiled, dispersing momentarily the look of concentration from his face, while his eyes stayed glued to the slow-moving stream of cars in front of us. "I didn't buy it. My father gave it to me when I decided to move to London, hoping that I would come home to visit more often."

"And did it work?" I asked, thinking about Anaïs, their father who I haven't met yet and their mum...

"I used to drive home every other weekend, but now I won't be going until Christmas, and we still have to organize that." He said, glancing at me quickly. "Don't." He continued before the words of apology for having turned his life upside down could leave my mouth. "They understand."

"But you..."

"I'm good, Samara. Please don't start again." He insisted, looking at me, a reassuring smile playing on his lips.

I smiled back tentatively, not quite convinced. It isn't fair. This, I, am not his trouble to solve... But what else can I do... I mused, turning away from him and spending the rest of our short transit by looking silently out of the window, lost in thoughts.

We were lucky enough to find a free spot to park just outside the hospital. Lucas came inside the building with me as far as the hospital's crowded café, where we met with Lia. He handed me over to my other friend and remained there, waiting for us to return.

"Did you drink enough?" Lia asked as we stopped at the end of a busy corridor crawling with patients, visitors, nurses and doctors to wait for the lift.

"I did everything you and Helen the midwife told me to do." I said, rolling my eyes at her in pretend annoyance.

Lia and Lucas were making me feel like a child in need of constant supervision but right now I did not mind. I didn't want to do this alone.

Even though I managed not to think about my first ultrasound test too much over the last few days and nearly succeeded to persuade myself that, as Stoker had said, all will look perfectly normal, by the time Doctor Murray spread the cool, slippery gel over my belly making my skin erupt in goose bumps, and pulled the monitor she was looking at closer so I could see everything as well as she, I was panicking.

Lia, sensing my rising agitation, put her hand on my shoulder giving it a gentle, reassuring squeeze but I only shook my head, unable to unglue my eyes from the tiny fluttering spot which had already appeared on the large screen.

I tried to pull myself up to see better but Doctor Murray pushed me back against the slightly raised back of the hospital bed, forcing me to remain only half-sitting.

"There it is. Can you see the heartbeat? Amazing, isn't it?" She mumbled, moving what looked like a big plastic wand over my belly slowly.

I nodded, stunned by the fact that something as tiny and shapeless already had a beating heart... My baby. Mine and Vlad's baby...

I dabbed at the few annoying tears blurring my vision with a back of my hand before Lia handed me a couple of tissues.

"Stay still... There we go. Perfect." Doctor Murray said after a few minutes of careful examination. You can sit now." She added, pushing the monitor back towards the wall and walking to her desk.

I pulled myself up finally, using the tissues I was still holding to wipe the gel off my skin, then swinging my legs over the edge of the bed and adjusting my clothes.