Lost Without You

~8~

Leaving the bags in the corridor in front of my room, I ran towards the bathroom. I locked myself in and leaned against the cool wood of the door, sliding slowly to the floor. My silent tears have become audible sobs; I've never felt so weak, tired and inconsolable before.

I didn't want to be here. My place was somewhere else, my home was the castle. There I could take a bath by the fireplace, not a shower in my modern, bright, minimalistic bathroom, designed by Mum. I missed Katerina with her warm towels and clean clothes, and my wolves for company. And more than anything I missed Vlad, his arms around me, holding me tight, his voice telling me I mustn't worry...

For a year, he had been the centre of my universe. My sun, brightening my days, warming me up, holding me, keeping me safe within his own gravity. Now, I was in darkness, feeling cold and void, hurtling through the universe towards my unknown future, alone.

I didn't know how long I sat there, my head resting on my knees, tears flowing ceaselessly, before I forced myself to stand up, get undressed and walk under the shower.

With a pang at my heart I let the water flow over my hair, deleting the last trace of the castle that still lingered around me. My tears had ceased eventually, and I took a few shaky breaths before I finally turned the water off and stepped out.

When I looked in the huge mirror filling the opposite wall as I wrapped myself in a too soft and large towel, smelling of Mum's favourite, jasmine scented fabric conditioner, I saw the same old Samara who left for a Halloween trip to Romania a few days ago.

On the surface, if I didn't look close enough to see the hints of sadness and seriousness that hadn't been in my red, swollen eyes before, I was the same. As if nothing unusual had happened.

No. That's not true. I scowled at my reflection, then closed my eyes and took another deep breath. It had been all real. It is real. You have the ring and the book full of pictures. You have... your love for him.

Standing there, feeling desperate, eyes closed to shut out the world which I did not belong to anymore, I could imagine Vlad standing behind me. I could feel his hands coming to rest on my shoulders, sending ripples of pleasure throughout my whole body, then making my breath catch as our eyes met in the mirror...  But when I reopened my eyes, he was gone, leaving me with an illusion of a scent of cinnamon, the one he preferred in his bath.

I shook my head to disperse the beautiful but cruel vision and walked away from the mirror, out of the bathroom and towards my room, caressing the stone of my ring.

Another day is gone, I tried to console myself as I took out some pyjamas from a drawer, put it on and crawled in my bed. Having decided to leave the luggage unpacked, dumped in the corridor, and feeling too tired even to dry my hair, I switched off the lights. One day less to going back, to seeing him again.

"Off you go! We don't want you here. Lily is scared of you!" Mum's urgent voice, coming from the back garden through the closed window, woke me up.

As soon as I realised where I was, that the vision of Vlad, laughing at something I had said, had only been a dream, I wanted to go back to sleep. I put a pillow over my head and pulled the covers up to my chin trying to block out the world surrounding me, wishing Vlad to come back. It seemed to be easier to stay buried in bed, surrounded by memories and illusions, than to face the reality.

"Go away!" The sound of Mum's voice, now with a hint of desperation, was followed by a loud clatter of some objects landing on a hard surface... Is she throwing stones at something?

I sighed when I realised what was happening. The fox must be back, looking for food again. And the animal is your responsibility, I reminded myself, standing up and wrapping my Harry Potter quilt around my body. I've been feeding the animal secretly for a couple of weeks now, ever since I found it stealing scraps of food from Mum's wooden composter.