Greys Anatomy - What About Us - Japril

You stare politely right on through

Jacksons POV

I haven't seen Harriet this happy in a while. She must love having both of her parents living in the same house again, even if it is only for 2 or 3 weeks. Just quietly, I want it to be longer than that. April has this control over me. I can't eat and I can't sleep, and I can't breathe. I shouldn't feel this way, she's married, but can't control it, and I don't really want to, to be honest. I think I'm still in love with her, actually I know I'm still in love with her. But I have to mash it down and ignore it and not say those three words, because if I do, then everything gets 10 times more complicated than they already are. I need to think about everyone that's involved, and everyone I would hurt if I said those three words. I actually think Matthew would kill me if I ruined his marriage for a second time. 

When I stood up from the chapel seat and walked into the middle of the isle, god I had never been more terrified in my life. The girl I loved was about to marry someone else, and I just couldn't let that happen. And I didn't, until I threw our marriage away, and for what, some stupid disagreement we had. I should have gone with April to Jordan instead of being selfish and staying in Seattle. That would have saved our marriage, that would have saved our life together. But god, she should have told me when she was pregnant with Harriet. I never would have left her if she had. But that's probably why she did it. She didn't want me staying with her out of obligation to our unborn child. She would have wanted me to stay with her because I was in love with her, which I wasn't at the time. I loved her, but I was not in love with her. She broke my heart when she left for Jordan. I needed her, and she didn't need me, and it hurt. A lot. But I'm finally ready to let the past go. I hope Mark is proud of me, for telling April I loved her in the middle of that wedding. I sat there and I thought of what he said to me before he died ''If you love someone, tell em. Even if you're scared that it's not the right thing, even if you're scared it will cause problems, even if you're scared it will burn your life to the ground, you say it and you say it loud.'' and I found the courage to do it, and I did it. I said it loud. And I was scared, and it caused problems, but it did not burn my life to the ground, it saved me from the fire. And I have no regrets, except the decision of leaving her. I wish I never did that. That is my only regret. 

''So, how's Matthew going, with COVID and everything?'' I asked. I'm trying to be nice and ask her about him. I don't wanna seem intrusive or anything, but I'm curious as to how her relationship is going. 

''Uhh he's got a temperature and a cough but other than that he's alright. Maggie and Teddy are taking good care of him, since I can't visit.''

''That's good. Now how are you doing? With everything, I wanna know. I want to be your friend.'' Of course, I'd much rather be more than friends, but I can't do that again, I can't hurt Matthew like that again, that would be unfair. 

''Ummm, I could be better, honestly. It hasn't been easy, you know trying to live a marriage while raising a child. Especially since said child isn't even from that marriage. You know, it's been hard on Matthew, he prioritises our relationship and our marriage, while I prioritise my relationship with Harriet, and he doesn't understand since she's not his kid.'' She admits. 

''Oh I totally get it. All of my relationships have failed because I prioritise my kid over my love life and they just do not understand.''

''I feel like it's not the sort of thing you can understand until you have a kid yourself. I never would have understood if I didn't have a child.''

''Yeah exactly. But I'm so grateful for Harriet. She's my light in the dark, and there has been a lot of dark lately.'' It's true, I've had a lot of dark recently. From breaking up with Maggie, to getting COVID, for still being in love with my ex-wife whose married to someone else. The list goes on. 

''You know you can always talk to me Jackson? I have open ears.''

''Yeah, I know. And likewise, I'm always open to listen.''

For a brief moment, we look into each others eyes and if eyes could speak, they would be saying 'I miss you'. I really miss her, and I think she misses me. She then, suddenly, turns and looks away from me, breaking the tension between us. I can feel it, and I hope she can too. 

Aprils POV

As I was looking into his eyes, it's almost as if he was trying to tell me something subconsciously. I could tell by the look in his eye that he was trying to say something, but couldn't, or wouldn't, find the words or courage to say it. I hope he does, because I want to know what he meant to say. I love him, I always have and always will, now I'm trying to figure out if I'm still in love with him, and if he's still in love with me. I know, this is stupid and I shouldn't be worried about this right now, not while Matthew is lying in a hospital bed incredibly sick. I downplayed it earlier to Jackson, he is way sicker than I said. But I didn't want him to worry about me or him so I chose to sugar coat it, but knowing him he'll find out eventually someway or another, he always did.  

A/N:

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