Worst Impressions

Bonus Chapter - Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Shit, shit, shit.

What had I done?

Silence hung between us. Only the sound of the wind rustling the trees nearby convinced me that any time had passed since I'd thrown my feelings out there into the world. Saying them made them real – tangible – and I knew that there was no going back.

Beth stared at me like I was insane. I couldn't blame her; I was inclined to think the same.

No one in their right mind would announce that they were in love with a girl who, until that moment, they had been caught up in an argument. A girl who, until that very night, had apparently been nothing more than a burden on their time and their society.

Beth was entirely justified in questioning my sanity.

'What?'

'I've tried to ignore it. I thought if I went with Charlie to Switzerland then it would go away. But it didn't, and here you are again like you're determined to be in my life.'

The words just kept on rolling out of my mouth like vomit and there was nothing I could do to stop them. My brain had entirely checked out. It had packed its bags, hopped a plane, and taken refuge in Mexico under an assumed identity. My common sense had no desire to be associated with this absolute car crash of a confession. This was all my heart, and what a twisted mess it was making of things.

'I'm really not,' she retorted flatly.

Even that wasn't enough to stop me. It was like an out-of-body experience the way I saw my hands reach out to grip her shoulders. Her expression was as confused as my own, I was sure of it. Part of me wanted her to push me away, to tell me that she wasn't interested and that I was talking nonsense. The statement might have left me wounded, but at least it would have put an end to this display.

When no such objection came, I hugged her against my chest with such force that I was certain she felt as bruised by the motion as I did. Still, she didn't fight back, and I rested my cheek atop her head and breathed her in. There was a chance that this would be my only chance to hold her and pretend, for a moment, that there was a world in which we might work as a couple. That our vastly differing social statuses weren't an obstacle to a bright and happy future. Even as I allowed my confused heart to hope for it in those few seconds, I knew that it was an empty fantasy.

A dream that could never be allowed to come true.

'After you threatened me at the party, I realised that you were different. I've been surrounded by girls like Chantelle my entire life, but you weren't afraid to talk back to me like we were equals. And I know that it'll be difficult for people to accept you. I mean, even I find it difficult,' I confessed.

Oh my God, the words just kept coming, and they were as messy and ineloquent as the rest.

It was too late to stop now. I was on a roll and, even as I said it, I knew that it wasn't getting any better. I was just digging the hole deeper the more I tried to explain myself, to tell her just how difficult this all was for me so that she might better understand where I stood with regard to my feelings.

'You're not rich. Your mother is obviously a gold-digger. Your clothes are always shabby, and you don't make an effort, and your friends shouldn't be allowed out into polite society without muzzles and handlers. Yet, despite all of this, I'm still in love with you.'

I wanted to throw up.

I actually wanted to run into a bush and puke my guts up until there was nothing left of my feelings.

Beth still hadn't pushed me away which was, frankly, a surprise. Given our past interactions, I wouldn't have been shocked if she'd kicked me in the balls and left me crumpled on the driveway. My stupid, optimistic heart mistook this silence for approval, perhaps even a reciprocation of my feelings. Rather than giving her a chance to reconsider or to truly think about what I'd said and just how I'd said it, I crushed my mouth to hers.