her or me? ;nate jacobs

how obvious was it?

TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️⚠️-
talk of eating restriction and disordered eating

"no" i answered. he looked at me with raised eyebrows. "what?" i asked. "you're never hungry" he said. i shrugged my shoulders. "you should probably eat more than you do. you know that right?" he said.

no. no. no. i am not having this conversation right now. especially with him. i don't have like an eating disorder although my heart does go out to anyone struggling with one. but i don't eat enough and i definitely over-workout. but i literally have had so many conversations with my doctor about it. and cal and marsha. and it is an awkward conversation that i hate having. and it's not a conversation i want to have with nate.

i shrugged my shoulders again. "why are you being weird" he asked. "i'm not" i said. "well you just got all quiet when i asked if you were hungry." he said. i didn't say anything.

"ashley what the fuck" he said. "what" i laughed. "are you like ... good?" he asked. "yeah" i answered. "yo literally stop brushing it off. why are you being weird about the eating thing?" he asked. "nate" i whispered.
he looked at me. "ashley is everything okay" he asked.

he genuinely seemed worried. it was nice to know that he cared. never in a million years did i think i'd see a day where nate jacobs cared about my well being.

"hmm? yeah everything is amazing" i lie.
"then why can't you look at me in the eye and tell me that you don't have a fucking eating disorder?" he raised his voice. "nate i don't have an eating disorder. jesus christ" i said.

"then why don't you like ever eat" he asked. "i do eat" i said getting defensive. "no you really don't" he said. i raised my eyebrows. "everytime our family eats dinner together,you
find some bullshit excuse to leave the house. every morning you take extra long to get ready just so you don't have to eat breakfast before school,i see you at lunch at school and you never eat anything then either. everytime someone asks you if you want something to eat,you say no. it's like very rare when i do see you eat. and even when you do eat it's some organic,low calorie,no sugar,healthy,weird fruit or something like that." he said.

i looked down. "that's not true" i said. "yeah,it is. all summer you literally would either be in your room or at the gym. and when me and you would work out together, you over did it. like your tiny ass body can't handle some of the workouts you did" he scolded.

i didn't say anything because he was right. but i didn't want to admit it. i've been at an average weight my entire life. i was never over or under weight. but this summer i began heavily restricting what i ate and overly worked out. caused me to lose 30 pounds. and i know that's not healthy. but i didn't think it would end up at this point. i mean i obsessively count calories. and the small amount of eating i do is clearly very visible. even to someone as stupid as nate.

"ashley,you are gonna fuck your body up so fucking bad if you keep this up" he said. "and you weren't even fat before. so like why did you start doing this to yourself?" he asked. i completely avoided his question. "can we just go home" i asked. "not until you tell me why you're doing this" he said.

i rolled my eyes. he jerked his truck to the side of the road and parked it. "if you don't fucking talk to me about this i will literally tell my parents how many guys you've fucked" he threatened.

"you don't even know how many" i said. "23."
he said. "fuck" i mumbled. he was right. "how do you know that?!" i asked. "i have my ways"
he said. i scoffed. he's always one step ahead of me and it drives me crazy.

"so you better fucking tell me now" he said.
i rolled my eyes but i gave in because i knew i wasn't going to win this battle. he was going to. because he always does. and it's honestly annoying.

"i just wanted to loose a few pounds but then i was like obnoxiously counting calories and working out too much and now when i don't work out as much as i wanted to and felt that i needed to,i don't eat until i like HAVE to"
i said emphasizing the word "have".

he looked at me. honestly,i said that pretty emotionless. it doesn't make me sad that i'm
going through this. i know when people
go through this is depresses them. but me? i don't let it depress me. i just tell myself that this is normal. even though deep down,i know it's not.

"ashley that is so bad for your fucking body.
you can't be doing that shit" he scolded.
"that shit can cause infertility. do you know that!? you're not gonna be able to have kids just because you wanted to be the prettiest and skinniest in fucking high school" he said. "your body has honestly always been a good one. you've always had a nice body. so doing this to yourself, it's pointless." he said.

he was right. honestly. there was no arguing what he just said to me.

"i know" i whispered. he took his finger and put it under my chin,lifting my head up. "it's okay to be a little insecure about your body,but don't fuck yourself up over it. you're a beautiful girl. you always have been." he said