thirty nine.

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We clutched at each other like our lives depended on it. The world could have been caving in around us and in that moment, neither of us would have noticed it. Lips smacking together echoed around the empty kitchen and his touch was like fire that burned across my skin, igniting me in the best way possible.

Now that I had felt the emotions being shared in this kiss, I don't know if I could ever go without it. And just like that, the man I was kissing became the most dangerous person in the world.

I couldn't breathe and the pressure building in my skull was the most euphoric kind of torture I had ever endured. Our bodies physically could not get any closer, but I continued to try. It felt as though every part of our bodies was pressed up against the other, creating a sense of closeness I had been deprived of for such a long time.

My mind didn't even think to push his hands away from the rolls on my hips, instead I internally pleaded for him to try and hold me tighter. My mind wasn't running through the possible outcomes of this kiss, positive and negative. Instead it focused solely on the lightly chapped lips that were fighting so hard to stay against my own. I focused on the sounds he was making when he would gasp for air before slamming our lips together once again.

It was frantic and sloppy yet so incredibly perfect. No room for second guessing and no room for mixed signals. We were both as needy as the other, everything had led to this moment and it was so powerful that I feared we would break through the earth's atmosphere.

I forced myself to move back an inch and separate our lips so I could take a deep breath. My eyes opened lazily and I was able to catch a glimpse of Harry's face. His eyes were screwed shut, eyebrows furrowed and cheeks flushed. His lips were bright red and swollen as he took deep breaths, panting almost.

My hand moved to the side of his face and I used my thumb to trace his lips. God they were beautiful. He was beautiful. His lips puckered lightly to place a gentle kiss to the pad of my thumb.

And it was like a punch in the gut.

I felt sick to my stomach instantly. He was so gentle and pure and I feared I was using him for all the wrong reasons. He was here, he said all the right words and did all the right things. Was me kissing him due to feelings I had for him, or was it purely a matter of me distracting myself?

His eyes fluttered open, adjusting to the light after being closed for so long. His pupils were blown once they finally met mine, a lopsided smile formed on his lips. All at once, his head fell forward to rest on my sternum. I immediately tangled my hands in the hair at the base of his neck.

We sat on the cold kitchen tile, like a couple of drunken idiots, basking in the aftermath of a kiss that could have jump started a cold heart. It's funny how that all works really. For weeks, there had been a tension between us that I couldn't clear. Obvious chemistry between us that controlled our every action, wanting each movement to somehow bring us closer.

Tangled together on a kitchen floor was not where I thought it would lead us, but there was nowhere else I would rather have been. Suddenly this wasn't just a kitchen, it was the birthplace of something electric. Something earth shattering had occurred in a space so commonly overlooked and instead of being pleased with it, I felt like a horrible person.

Maybe Will's voice in the back of my mind was contributing to the feeling. His constant reminders that no one else would ever want me if I left him felt odd now, sitting with the most beautiful man I had ever met after having arguably the best kiss of my entire life and him clinging to me like I was going to disappear.

Whenever I caught myself slipping into my mind, I tried to ground myself and bring myself back to the kitchen. But eventually the attempts fell short and I was trapped within my thoughts again, telling me I was the worst person in this world for stringing Harry along like this when I was no good for him.

I gave the roots of his hair a gentle tug, silently requesting him to sit up. Once his head was level with mine again, he leaned in again to connect our lips in a short but heavy kiss.

"Goodnight, Harry." I whispered, not wanting to ruin the silence but needed to be alone.

He hummed in acknowledgement before standing up and reaching his hands out for me to grab. I used his hands as leverage to get off the floor, leaving my heels in the centre of the kitchen and heading to my room.

"Goodnight, Jo." He yawned from the other end of the hallway, opening his bedroom door and heading in. The soft click indicated he was in and hopefully not far from sleep.

On the other hand, once my door clicked shut, my whole body filled with panic and I found it hard to breathe. My fingers came to rest on my lips, the tingle from Harry's was still present and it made my head spin. My skin was still burning from his touch but my heart felt cold.

The pressing feeling that I had just taken advantage of him was taking over every inch of my being and I couldn't stop it.The panic was soon replaced with disgust, not in Harry but in my willingness to ruin the friendship we had built just to feel something again.

He was so fucking perfect and I feel as though we have just crossed a bridge that burned behind us.

There was no going back to how it was before, and that was absolutely terrifying.

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