fifty nine.

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When I was six years old, I wanted a puppy. I had begged my parents for months leading up to Christmas, I even made up a list of all the tasks that come with owning a puppy to show I understood the responsibility. Christmas morning rolled around and I opened every single present that had my name on it, no puppy.

You don't always get what you want.

When I was twelve years old, I wanted to see the Black Eyed Peas perform live at Rod Laver Arena. I mowed lawns, walked dogs and washed cars in hopes I could buy a ticket. I worked and I worked but I just couldn't get over the line. My parents couldn't afford to buy me a ticket either.

You don't always get what you want.

When I was eighteen years old, I wanted to get into the University of Melbourne. I studied non-stop and worked so hard during Year 12 so I could secure a spot. I sat my exams, was very happy with my results. The morning the first round of offers came out, I was expecting to see the University of Melbourne at the top of my list. It wasn't.

You don't always get what you want.

When I was twenty years old, I wanted a boyfriend to spend the rest of my life with. I had met a guy, he was so kind and considerate. He would randomly surprise me with flowers and compliments, it was like he was straight out of a fairytale. Two years into the rest of our lives together, he showed me his true self.

You don't always get what you want.

When I was twenty four, I wanted to move on in life with the guy of my dreams. He showed me what love was supposed to look and feel like, he offered me stability and compassion. I became comfortable with that way of life, a life with him in it. I dreamt of our future and what it would look like for the two of us. Then my issues caught up to us and reminded us it was doomed from the start.

"We don't always get what we want, Harry. I told you that. It doesn't matter how much you want something, sometimes there's just no way to get it."

He was getting frustrated, I could see that from where I was standing. But as much as I wanted to run to him, kiss him and go back to living in our little bubble, I knew we couldn't. He deserved someone who didn't put everyone he cared about in danger.

"What about me then? Do you really think I am going to give up on what I want? That's you by the way, just in case me standing in the middle of the street in my socks didn't get that message across. I want you, Jo. I'm not going to just let you walk away from me, you're fucking stupid if you think I was going to let you leave without an explanation or without saying goodbye."

I acknowledge that leaving in the night was kind of a dick move, but there was no way he would listen to my reasoning and let me go during the day. Now, I was just sick of arguing. I never intended to hurt him, only keep him safe.

"For fuck sake, Harry, I want you too. I want you more than anything, to be with you long into the future. But there is one thing I want more than you, and that is for you to be safe from any and all harm Will and I can cause." My tears were on the brink of spilling down my cheeks; as much as I was trying to keep my emotions turned off, I was overwhelmed with his confession and torn by my decision.

He cautiously took a step closer to me, closing the space slowly but surely. There wasn't any energy left in me to move away, I was exhausted. He continued to get closer and I let him. Harry was right, I couldn't look him in the eyes and tell him I didn't want him. With every inch closer he got to me, my self control lessened. Mentally, I wasn't strong enough to push him away again.

It seemed like an eternity had passed before we were right in front of one another. It took another eternity before he worked up the courage to touch me. Painstakingly slow, his warm palms came to rest gently on my freezing cheeks. Still feeling like we weren't close enough, he leaned forward and rested his forehead against mine, eyes fluttering shut.

"Please don't leave me, Jo." He whispered.

I exhaled deeply, the air between us filling with the condensation. It was such a weighted request but I was tired of fighting him and myself. So I nodded twice. His hands moved from my cheeks to allow his arms to wrap around my neck, pulling me tightly into his chest and letting out a relieved sigh.

"We need to find a way to get Ella to safety. If she gets hurt, I wouldn't be able to live with myself." His grip tightened and he pressed a kiss to my hair.

"We'll figure it out. She'll be safe."

We stood in each others arms for quite some time but with the cool wind blowing against us and the exhaustion making my joints ache, I hesitantly requested we go home. As much as he tried to hide it, I saw Harry's face light up at the word. He wasted no time, grabbing my hand in his and tugging me in the direction I had just come from.

The moment I caught sight of that cream cottage with an apple tree in the backyard, I realised how stupid I had been. This place was the first to make me feel like myself since my grandparent's house as a child. This place made me feel like a person again, not just an object used to absorb the anger of those around it.

The warmth of the hallway engulfed us as we walked through the front door and I was finally able to discard the layers I had stacked onto my body. The backpack holding a few clothing articles and Pa's cookbook became heavier and heavier on my back as sleep pleaded with me. My head looked in the direction of my room but that didn't last long. Harry's warm hand gently held my chin and turned me to face him again, he was shaking his head.

"Don't even think about it. That is the spare room, that is not your room anymore."

Then I was escorted into Harry's room and instructed to place my backpack in his walk-in wardrobe, mumbling something about moving my clothes in here tomorrow. I didn't get a chance to change my clothes before Harry pulled me to join him in his bed.

His bed? Our bed?

Instinctively, I curled up into his side and our legs wrapped together. Lips pressed to my forehead, then to my nose and then his head returned to the pillow.

"I love you, pretty girl. Please be here when I wake up?"

With a deep breath, I responded in the most certain voice I had used all day.

"I'll be here, I promise."

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