Epiphany

14 ~ Life Goes On

James itched for a fight. He longed for something, anything, to calm his adrenaline, or take advantage of it - whichever came first. He wanted to scream, to sit in silence, to hit someone, to fade away. It was pathetic really. He didn't even like her. Lily. He didn't like her. Even if he did, which he didn't, she certainly didn't like him. And he was with Mary. She was sweet and pretty and funny and he liked her, but... It felt like a betrayal even thinking about Lily Evans. They weren't friends, they weren't - anything else.

The fire crackled in front of him, warming his fingers with its gentle heat. Soothing as they were, the flames didn't solve his ache for action, and the colour reminded him of her hair.

Before he knew why, he stood up. He needed to be busy.

When the other Marauders had woken, James had laid out their clothes, piled their books, organised their homework and, with the help of the house elves, set up a breakfast picnic in their dorm. Only Remus offered complaints, in the form of a concerned brow raise, yet even he accepted the gesture.

"And this is why you're the mum friend," Sirius laughed before James aimed a slice of toast in his direction.

"You must've been up all night doing this," Remus said, his tone indicating that this would be the subject of a later conversation.

"It's no bother." James hoped they'd drop it there.

Luckily for him, the Marauders had other things to discuss.

"So far this year, we've not pulled a single prank, even though we planned one on the first day." Sirius announced dramatically, leaving pause for a reaction. There was none. The silence became awkward. "I propose we make up for this lack of mischief as soon as the appropriate moment strikes!"

"I thought we weren't pulling pranks because we'd grown out of it," Remus interjected, "that we'd matured." 

"Nonsense Remus, we're fifteen." Sirius gave his boyfriend a look of disapproval. "Bad decisions are what we're renowned for-" He was moments from a monologue before Peter interrupted.

"I could sneak into the next Slug-Club meeting, in rat form, to find out what the next event is?"

"Perfect Peter!" Sirius clasped his hands together. "I believe the next gathering is this evening, hence why I brought this up."

James listened silently, not trusting himself to act as he would usually. He nodded and mumbled 'yeah' or 'no' depending on what the occassion called for, apparently performing outstandingly as no one picked up on his quietness. It was almost disappointing, he nearly spoke up, yet wasn't it better that way? There were no difficult questions or pitying looks, and he had no need to confess his unfaithful thoughts. In the end, he spoke merely three words before they were no longer alone.

Marlene draped herself over the sofa, Dorcas following suit, and tilted her head quizzically at the boys and their make-shift picnic. When no answer was given, and her look was met with four glaring eyes, she rolled her eyes and held up her hands in surrender. Mary arrived shortly after, delicately seating herself nearest to James and offering a quick smile. 

"Hogsmeade awaits, brothers!" Sirius announced as he dramatically rose to his feet.

The Marauders filed out of the common room, feeling as thought their territory had been invaded. James made to join them, before he noticed a flash of orange emerge from the girls' dorms. Lily met his gaze from across the room, and they stood for a moment, silent, still, awkward. A cough from Marlene snapped them from their reverie, alerting James that they had company. He opened his mouth to speak, but Lily had turned on her heel before he could speak.

"Right," He thought aloud, adding, "I'll see you girls later."

He left with uncertainty bubbling in his stomach.