Epiphany

20 ~ Mary

Mary didn't wake up for days. James hadn't been able to eat and had barely slept. He couldn't help but blame himself for what happened, which was ridiculous. He couldn't have known. Yet, the guilt remained.

It didn't help that he kept thinking about Lily. He couldn't stop remembering how she had saved his life and how well they had worked together. He almost wished McGonagall hadn't found them, so they could've taken on some Death Eaters side by side.

These thoughts, and other more private ones, were what brought the guilt. Because, how, how, could he be thinking and feeling these things when Mary was suffering. He was a terrible boyfriend.

It was mid-way through transfiguration that James heard the news. He hadn't been paying attention; he'd been too busy being plagued by horrible thoughts. Instead, he'd been eavesdropping on the conversation between Marlene, Dorcas and Alice (he would have included Lily, but she stayed silent the whole lesson). It had been terribly boring at first, mostly the girls were gossiping about Frank, Alice's boyfriend, and wondering who to set Lily up with, presumably why she had ignored them. But James began fully paying attention when they brought up him and Mary.

"It's a bit of an odd match, don't you think?" Marlene said in a hushed voice. She clearly wasn't used to whispering, as James could hear her perfectly clearly. "I mean, she's gorgeous and all, but their personalities! They couldn't be more different!"

"Maybe it's an 'opposites attract' type situation," Alice suggested, actually whispering. 

"It'd have to be!" Dorcas exclaimed. It seemed she too found it difficult to speak quietly; all the better for him. "They have nothing in common! He's the quidditch captain, yet Mary hates flying. She loves care of magical creatures, but yesterday, James totally didn't know what a kneazle was!"

"And then there's the whole 'muggleborn' and 'pureblood' ordeal," Alice added. "They've come from completely different worlds. They may as well speak different languages."

"I know," Marlene replied, "This morning, Mary was telling me that-"

"This morning!" James repeated suddenly, forgetting they didn't know he was listening. The three girls, and the rest of the class, all stared at him with wide eyes.

"Quiet, Mr Potter," Snapped McGonagall, "Five points from Gryffindor."

"Sorry professor," James said, then added quietly to the girls, "What do you mean this morning? Is Mary awake?"

"Yeah," Dorcas said, uncomfortable, "Has been for two days."

"Were you-"

"Professor, may I be excused?" James asked, interrupting Marlene. He was too focused on Mary to be embarrassed that he'd been caught. He left the classroom before McGonagall could respond. She probably wouldn't mind. Or, he would have detention. Either way was fine.

James reached the infirmary faster than he'd thought, and he realised that he had no clue what to say. They'd been pretty awkward around each other since they started going out, and that was when James had spent ages coming up with conversation topics. This would be the raw experience of their incompatibility, which, according to the girls, was obvious to everyone around them.

Still, he needed to see her, so James slipped inside. He immediately bumped into Madame Pomfrey, literally.

"Sorry," He said instinctively, "Um, do you know where I can find Mary - Mary MacDonald?"

"She's just over there, poppet." Madame Pomfrey gestured to the far end of the room. "But don't stay for too long, the girl needs some serious rest."

James nodded and speed-walked over to Mary's bed. She had her eyes closed and he thought she was asleep. It was... strange to see her like that, laying still amongst the white sheets. She was almost as pale as them, and her mousey hair was unkempt, covering the many pillows. 

He stood awkwardly beside her bed, not wanting to see her like this. She was always so tidy, especially on their dates. This version of her wasn't meant for his eyes.

"Hey," Mary said, her voice quiet, more than usual, and raspy. 

James looked back at her and saw she was watching him with those grey-blue eyes. 

Whenever Sirius teased him about Mary, he always compared her eyes to the ocean, but James didn't think that fit. Her eyes weren't 'pools of blue' or 'calm waters'. They were the sky on a rainy day, specks of pale blue peeking through the dark clouds. They were droplets of rain, racing down a misted window. They weren't sad, but sorrowful, gazing and aching though never saying why.

"Hey," He managed in response, "How're you feeling?"

"Crap," She said, plainly, "But better than yesterday. My whole body just hurts. It's worse than period cramps."

"Hmm," James said, because what else could he say? 'Oh, that sucks, sorry you know what it feels like to be tortured. Sorry arseholes exist that take pleasure in torturing teenage girls just because their parents are muggles. Sorry I'm such a crap boyfriend and can't even hold a conversation with you, let alone sympathise with your pain.'

"I guess I'm not gonna be able to go with you to the Yule Ball," Mary apologised, as if it was her fault. As if any of this was her fault.

"Don't be sorry. I'd much rather you rest."

She smiled and his heart ached. He so wished that he could be everything she deserved. He so wished he'd never gone up to her at that party, and that she had found someone else, someone who wanted to date her because she was great and not because they were denying their own feelings.

"You could always go with Lily."

Mary said her name and James' heart skipped a beat. Did she know? Did everyone know? Did Lily know? 

"I'd suggest Marlene, Dorcas or Alice, but they've all got dates already."

"Oh," James said, but inside he was screaming. Not even he could tell whether it was with joy or disappointment. Because she deserved to know. She should know. He shouldn't even have started dating her in the first place. It was a stupid decision and he wished he could take it back. He wished he could go back and tell his past-self to face his problems, to tell Lily, and not distract himself with something, someone, else.

"Or you could always sign up for a random partner, if you still want to go with someone. I won't mind."

You should. James repeated over and over in his mind. You should care. You should know how I feel and you should yell at me for it. I deserve it.

"I might just not go," He said instead.

"Oh no!" Mary protested. "Please, go, enjoy yourself! Don't suffer because of me."

"Alright," He gave in. Sirius wouldn't let him skip it anyway. "If you insist."

"I do."

He gave a weak smile, before leaning in to kiss her forehead. Whatever he decided to do, James silently promised to be a good boyfriend to her for the rest of the year. Then, January, he'd tell her everything.