Epiphany

23 ~ A Breath Of Fresh Air

James always looked forward to the Christmas holidays, but he was especially grateful for the break this year. Two weeks away from Hogwarts seemed heavenly: bonus points because he got to see his parents. He always missed them during the school terms, but was too much of a teenager to write often. 

It would also be the first Potter Christmas since Sirius joined the family, which James had heard Padfoot bragging about. While he acted annoyed to Sirius' face, in all honesty, James was pleased his friend was happy. He didn't know the particulars of the Incident at Grimmauld Place that led to the household's new addition, only that it was one of the few times he'd seen Sirius cry. It hadn't taken much convincing for his mother to accept Sirius as part of the family. Telling him the good news was probably one of James' favourite moments. But, of course, he'd never say that out loud.

The train ride home was mostly silent. The other three Marauders barely spoke around James, not knowing how to help. They'd all been there when James broke down the night of the Yule Ball: when he screamed into his pillow and tore apart his muggle studies textbook. They'd listened to him rant, then calmed him down when he was reduced to a sobbing mess. But now he was silent and sat with a blank expression, so they gave him space. For that, James was glad. He didn't deserve their support.

About halfway through the journey, Sirius and Peter had gone to hunt down the trolley witch, leaving only James and Remus in the compartment. He could tell from Remus' fidgeting hands and determined face, that he was either about to receive a lecture or a hug, and James wasn't sure whether he could handle either. He'd already humiliated himself enough with the last breakdown and two in less than 24 hours seemed unfair.

"Want a chocolate frog?" Remus said instead, surprisingly. He offered the recognisable packaging over to James, who gladly accepted. "I took it from Peter while he wasn't looking. Don't tell him."

"'Course not," James promised between bites.

"So, you can still talk. Good, I was beginning to worry you'd forgotten how."

"Careful, Moony. I'm an unstable guy, any teasing may set me off." James had intended it as a joke, but Remus looked concerned.

"James, you know I love you to death but-"

"This isn't the ideal time to profess your love for me. I mean, I understand it, how could you not, but your boyfriend's only been gone for a few minutes."

"James," Remus said, his voice serious. "This," He gestured towards James, "Isn't healthy. You don't have to pretend everything's fine, when it's not. You can have emotions, you know."

"Wow, I can have emotions? Colour me surprised."

"I'm not kidding. Listen, we're here for you okay. You don't have to hide your feelings from us."

"Yeah." James sighed. "I know and I appreciate you lot being so supportive, I really do. I just- well- I don't really wanna talk about it at the moment. Let's just enjoy the holidays, pretend nothing's happened and we can address it again in the New Year."

"If that's what you want." Remus let out a frustrated sigh, one he saved especially for James and Sirius, and returned to reading his book.

***

James had gone to her immediately after the Yule Ball. He didn't want her to find out from anyone other than him. Unfortunately, he arrived at the infirmary just as Marlene and Dorcas were leaving. It seemed they had beaten him to it. They didn't say a word to him as they walked past, simply narrowed their eyes and glared. Fair enough, he thought. After all, he deserved it.

When he finally built up the courage to go inside, Mary was already waiting for him. Perhaps she'd seen him outside, or just knew he'd want to apologise. It didn't matter either way.