Scared Of Healing

The ENT

"No Mikey, don't do this... please" Ellie begs me as I walk into the room with all the supplies for an NG tube. Ellie has now been here for 3 days and she has managed to get a lot more comfortable talking to some of us. I have been in contact with Cystic Fibrosis specialists, since we don't have a clinic in this hospital. Following their advice, we have set her up with twice-daily physiotherapy to help her clear her infection and we have gotten most of her results back, telling us how deficient she is in almost every vitamin and that she has pseudomonas in her lungs, causing the pneumonia. She is currently refusing to speak to a psychiatrist, but we are working on it.

While she has managed to eat some food, it is just not enough. She needs this nutrients but I know this is going to be difficult. I put my equipment on a bench, keeping it out of her sight before I come to sit on her bed, just wanting to have a chat. "Ok Elle, I know that no one likes feeding tubes, but I want you to tell me what is making you so anxious" I say as I sit on the end of her bed, watching her sit up carefully. I give her some time to get over her dizziness before she takes a deep breath and starts talking... "I've had a really bad experience with an ENT before" she says, already trying to hold back tears, "oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry, are you able to tell me a bit more about it?" I ask carefully.

Ellie takes another deep breath before she is ready to share, "when I was 12 I got a really bad sinus infection and got referred to an ENT. He was really old and definitely shouldn't still be practicing medicine. Every time I would go to see him, he would have all his tools laid out on his table and it always freaked me out. He had heaps of metal hooks and suction thingys to clean out my sinuses and be able to look in them properly. He would also use scissors to cut things out after he did surgery on me" she says, on the verge of tears at the memory, "oh my goodness sunshine, that sounds awful" I say sadly, unsure how I can help her with this. "And the worst part was..." she starts, letting the tears fall, "my parents were in the room while I was crying but the doctor was blocking their view of me so they had no idea what torture was going on" she lets out before trying to hold in her sobs. I look to her, devastated, "do you want a hug darling?" I ask quietly. She nods, allowing me to move closer and wrap my arms around her. She just melts into my embrace and cries, "it's ok darling, let it all out" I whisper, petting her hair as I hug her, allowing her to just cry.

After about half an hour Ellie manages to calm down, still in my embrace. She eventually pulls away and whispers a "thank you" before wiping the last of her tears away. "I'm so sorry that happened to you sweetheart" I sigh, looking away, knowing that I am going to have to get her to face her trauma for me to get this tube in. "Please don't do it Mikey" she whispers, knowing what I am thinking, "it's gotta happen sunshine" I say sadly. Ellie just looks down, knowing that she isn't going to get out of this, "n-not yet" she whispers. "I think I might get Luke, Ash, Crystal and another one of my friends in to help, so you know you can trust everyone. We can wait until they are all free to give you some more time to prepare" I say. I know it is a lot, to take 4 heads of department for something as simple as an NG insertion, but I really need Ellie to feel as comfortable as possible so I can keep her trust.