Scared Of Healing

Bronchoscopy

Ellie was taken down to surgery a few hours ago and she should be in recovery by now. My expectations are met when I am paged to recovery and I know this can't be good. I immediately make my way down to theatres and into recovery, seeing two nurses, a student and Luke standing around Ellie, trying to remedy a very severe looking coughing fit. I walk up to them and the student immediately moves away so I have access to my patient. "Ellie my sunshine, look at me sweetie" I say calmly and she does. "Take some nice deep breaths for me through the mask and try to calm down sweetheart, you are going to be ok, you just have to stay calm" I say, seeing that she is panicking. This can happen after these types of operations when the lungs have been irritated but it can be relatively dangerous if it can't be controlled.

After about 45 minutes, we manage to stabilise Ellie and it is safe for me to go back to my rounds. After my rounds, Luke is in his office and I decide to get an update on how the surgery went before she woke up unwell.

I slump myself into the chair and look to my friend, waiting for him to finish typing his notes. He quickly finishes and focuses his attention to me. "How was she?" I ask flatly, anxious for the answer. Luke sighs, avoiding eye contact, "not happy" he murmurs. My head briefly falls into my hands before I look back up to him, expecting an explanation. "She knew she was gonna wake up really sick, she was really nervous about being put under" my friend says. "What happened?" I ask quietly, unsure if I actually want to know. 

"She was good, letting us put on all the monitors and stuff but started to get really anxious when she realised we were ready to put her under" Luke says, "she pulled her arm away so we couldn't use her line and wouldn't keep her head still so we could use the mask" he continues. I sigh before he speaks again, "I ended up having a few interns hold her hands and I sat behind her head, trying to get her still enough for at least the mask. She only let a few tears go but she would not stop shaking her head. I ended up having to tell her that I would look after the whole time and that you and I would make her better if the operation made her sick. I got her calm enough and she had her head still for a bit and I got relieved" he explains, but I know there is more. 

"She was doing really well, but when Odette tried to put the mask on her face, she started freaking out again, shaking her head and trying to get her hands free from the interns. We had to hold her down to make sure she didn't hurt herself but it hurt me so much, her eyes were so full of... desperation... I didn't know what to do. I just said, "Ellie, Ellie, please... I need you to trust me angel, we will keep you safe, you will be ok. We just want to help you" and she stopped for a second, she whispered to me, "I only trust you" and, honestly I'm surprised I knew what she wanted me to do. I looked to Odette and got her to give me the mask. The interns were still holding her hands and I had one hand just gently holding her head, with the other one holding the mask. She let a few more tears slip and I just whispered that she was allowed to relax and tried to keep her calm by just stroking her cheek so she knew I was there for her. She whimpered as I brought the mask closer to her face and tried again to move away but she let me hold her still when I told her that she was "going to be just fine". Eventually, she let me hold the mask to her face, but she was fighting the anesthesia, "don't fight it angel, let your body relax" I said, trying to calm her down and after a few seconds, she let herself go. The bronc went really well though, there weren't any complications while she was under, just before and after." Luke finishes explaining to me. I sigh again, "at least it's done" I say to myself and I see Luke nodding to himself out of the corner of my eye.