Scared Of Healing

The Explanation

Eventually, Ellie builds up the courage to speak, "you guys don't think they're dead" she says in a low tone, looking up but keeping her head down. Louis sighs, "nobody said that love, we just want to get our stories straight" he says. Ellie shakes her head, "why would I lie about that?" she asks, looking from Louis to me, and back to Louis again. "Ellie, calm down for me, no one thinks you're lying, we just need to know what happened" Louis says, trying to calm her down. Ellie keeps shaking her head, getting herself worked up. She moves to sit on her knees as she gets visibly uncomfortable and her breathing starts to speed up. Louis and I both stand up, recognising that this can easily turn into a panic attack. "Take some deep breaths for us sunshine" I say calmly. Ellie slips her hand out of mine and starts tying her hair into a messy bun, "I literally watched my sisters and parents be murdered and you guys think I'm lying about it" she cries angrily, covering her face with her hands, trying to avoid our looks as she regrets her outburst.

The room falls silent. There is no way she is making this up. I'm devastated for her and I can tell Louis is too. I look to him, unsure of what to do and he sighs, "I'm so sorry love" he says softly. Slowly, Ellie lifts her face from her hands to look to him. He smiles empathetically, "that must have been terrifying" he says, continuing his soft, calm tone, not wanting to upset Ellie any more than she already is. Ellie just nods, slowly reaching out for my hand. I gently take her hand, looking to her comfortingly. She takes a deep breath and nods again, "yeah, it was really scary" she whispers, looking to her hand in mine. I give it a little squeeze of encouragement, knowing Louis is going to have a lot of questions.

Louis takes a deep breath, "stop me if it gets too much, but do you think you could answer a few questions for me?" he asks. Ellie looks up and slowly nods. Louis sends her a gentle smile, "ok, can I ask when this happened?" he enquires. Ellie takes a deep, shaky breath, "uhh, tw-two months ago" she says quietly. Louis nods, scribbling on his notepad, "ok, and... did you see who did it?" he asks carefully. Ellie nods, letting a tear drop, "yeah... uh, yeah..." she says, obviously wanting to say more but there's something stopping her. Louis looks to me, knowing that I might have a better chance at getting her comfortable enough to continue. I give Ellie's hand another little squeeze, "you're safe here sunshine. We're here to listen" I say softly. Ellie nods again before taking another shaky inhale, "yeah, so um..." she tries again before looking to me desperately. All I can do it send her a comforting smile. She leans her head into my shoulder, taking some deep breaths, clearly really wanting to be able to share with us. She closes her eyes for a bit and we let her take her time, knowing how difficult this must be for her. "They... they um..." Ellie whispers. Louis and I stay silent, wanting her to continue, "they followed me... um, yeah, they followed me home from school one day... and one of them grabbed me..." she says shakily. Her eyes have glossed over and it is clear she is staring into nowhere as she trails off. Louis sighs, taking a few steps forward, "come back to us love, it's just Mikey and I, you're safe with us" he says , trying to stop her dissociation.

Ellie comes back to us and just lets the tears fall down her face, shaking her head, "how did I let it happen?" she repeats to herself. I gently rub her shoulder, "deep breaths sweetheart, slow deep breaths. Let us help you" I say, making her look to me. "How did I let them do it?" she asks, directing the question at me this time. I look to her sadly, "do what sunshine?" I ask. She looks to me seriously, "you know what they did..." she says, "you and Ash both know" she grumbles. Suddenly it clicks and my heart drops. I knew it happened, but somehow her saying it makes it different. I drop my head, bringing Ellie into a cuddle, "I'm so sorry sweetie" I whisper. She accepts my hug and cries into my chest.

Eventually, Ellie finds the strength to continue. She pulls out of the hug, "but... but um... I got out" she says quietly. I think better of asking her where they took her, I just want her to tell us what she can. Both Louis and I listen, waiting for her to continue, "I don't know how, but I got out... and I just ran. I ran until I got home..." I see tears fill her eyes as the memories flood her mind, "and mum and dad... they just hugged me and I cried" she says quietly. She starts shaking her head, "and then I told them... I told them what happened" she says, "they told me not to tell them... they told me they'd kill them... but I did it anyway" she growls, getting angry at herself. I rub her arm, trying to comfort her, "it's not your fault Ellie, you can't blame yourself" I say gently.

"IT IS!" she yells, "IT IS MY FAULT! If I had just let them take me the first time, they wouldn't have had to take the girls... if I hadn't told mum and dad, they wouldn't have had to... they wouldn't have had to! It's all my fault" she cries. At this point, I am fighting to hold back my tears and I can see Louis doing the same. I just pull Ellie into my arms, rocking her back and forth, "i'm so sorry sunshine, you don't deserve this... you don't deserve this" I whisper into her hair as I feel her tears drop onto my chest.