No one is there

Child-like Heart

It would've been a year.

A year since our first kiss...

That moment still plays in my head like some fucked up time loop.

How scared you were to make a move... how nervous I was for you to make the move.

I walked in that day worried everything had been a joke to you.

That I had been a joke to you..

You kissed me the way the guy kisses the girl in the movies.

And in that moment I saw this whole other life for us.

I saw a chance.... A chance at all the things my tired soul had written off.

A chance at love;

At happiness,

At marriage,

At a family.

The white Pickett fence and the big house and the kids and the dog.....

those things didn't seem so far away when you kissed me.

I had closed those doors so long ago...

From pain.

Or fear.

I don't really know when I made the shift.

I just know one day I was a little girl with the whole world before her,

And the next I had to be this whole grown up.

I had to make the big girl choices and changes and eventually this fantasy of the happily ever after seemed like just that...

A fantasy.

You said you wished for a time machine...

To "go back to a night when I was in your arms"

So you could stay in that moment forever.

I wished for a time machine too...

But not to be back in your arms.

I wished to go back and rip those god damned fairytales to shreds before that little girl had a chance to grow attached.

I wished to go back to the time when I calculated every step.

I wished to be the emotionless mechanical robot I had fought so hard to be,

I wished to be at the time where my heart was no where to be found, and I didn't have these childish fantasies of you being there when I came home.

A time where I didn't feel the stab of pain every time anything reminded me of you.

A time where I didn't have this stupid idea of the forever after I'll never receive.

I watched you leave so many times.

And I waited for you to come back so many times.

But no matter how many chances there are,

Your could never love me the way I dreamed.

I don't think anyone can. And that's my fault....

At the end of the day I know not everyone gets a happy ever after.

So why am I trying to convince myself I will get one?

When will I finally let go of this little girl fantasy that I know was never true.

Not for my parents,

Not for my favorite novels,

And certainly not for me.....

maybe one day this little voice that hopes you'll do the magical thing from the books will go away..

maybe one day the pain will ease and I'll be able to breathe when someone says your name...

Maybe one day.....

I don't dare say it out loud anymore...

If you were going to be mine one day would have already come.

And the sooner I accept that the better off I will be.

C. G.