No one is there

A Letter I'll Never Send you

I wish you knew how beautiful you are.
I know you'll never believe me when I tell you
But you are.
I wish you knew how
significant
you are.
How I don't want to change anything about you;
But I will break apart my ribs to fix everything inside of me that is wrong
so I can be good for you-
Better for you-
You make me want to strip all of the hurt and the terror from before away so I can give you a fresh heart, a clean slate.
I wish you knew that for the first time in my life I have someone who is safe.
Someone who isn't going to sabotage my efforts,
Who isn't afraid of me being "too much"
Someone who doesn't force me to make myself small for them.
I wish you knew I want to be better for you and take care of you not because I think you need it; because I know you don't.
I want to because you deserve so much more than the world has given you.
So much better.
And I know I can't change anything up until now.
But I can try and change what you expect from the world.
If the universe won't give you a reason to be hopeful then I can fight for you to look forward for something.
Anything.
I wish you knew that no matter what, I want you to be happy.
That when I plan for you to leave it's not because you aren't enough for me;
You are more then I could have ever asked for in this life and the next-
But the universe does not give me gifts without costs.
And I know there is no way I can be enough for someone as wonderful and worthy as you.
I plan for the worst so when you find the person who can make you happy,
Hopeful,
Whole,
I can let you leave and not burden you with the aftermath.
Because watching you go will be one of the hardest things I ever have to do.
The biggest wish of all is that I'll never have to see you fall out of love with me.
Because I don't know if I'd ever recover.
But if that's the cost of loving you,
Then I'll risk never loving again.